In my last blog I addressed the issue of control when your teen becomes an adult…you know, that “official” age of 18. My thoughts stem from a Dr. Phil episode where he said that once a child becomes 18 you can’t control them, you can only influence them.
There does come a point in which control is no longer an option. Even if your young adult is still living at home, there may be some things in which you have to let go. However, the issue of influence becomes even bigger when they are out of your home.
Some 18-year-olds jet off to college, others decide to move out with roommates or on their own, while others (such as my son) enlist in the military. No matter where they go, once they are out of the home, you no longer have the ability to control them.
For some parents this is very difficult to accept. I don’t think it will be for me but I attribute that to the fact that my 17-year-old has made pretty wise choices over the years. He has never given me a reason to not trust him.
I’m not saying its all been trouble-free but it has certainly been less troublesome than what other parents I know have had to deal with. Still, you do tend to have those worries in the back of your mind that once they are out of your hands, they might do the wrong thing.
This is where influence kicks in. It’s important to recognize what influence is and isn’t.
It isn’t telling your 18-year-old what to do. It is offering your suggestions, input, or advice.
It isn’t making demands of your 18-year-old. It is asking, maybe even pleading (hey, you can’t leave anything out).
It isn’t standing in judgment. It is recognizing they will make mistakes, just as you have. But it is also being there for them when they fall.
Influence is the way you have lived your life. If you have been a big-time drinker and you tell your young adult they shouldn’t do the same, what do you really expect? Hopefully up until this point you have been a good example because that will make your influence carry more weight.
Related Articles:
Photo by Mike Tigas in Flickr