I have never been the type of parent to force my kids to apologize regardless–as in “Say you’re sorry” whether they had come to the conclusion that they were actually sorry or not. Instead, I have preferred to try to help them see the other side of things and experience remorse on their own terms, then tried to give them ways to make amends and right some of those wrongs. Over the years, however, I have found there are a dozen ways to apologize (at least) and parenthood provides endless opportunities to learn lessons in apologies…
While I was pretty clear on my role as a parent to teach my children about remorse and amends and apologies, I was unprepared for all the times that I would find that I needed to apologize. I have had to learn how to apologize and make amends with my children without losing my authority as a parent. I have also had to learn how to address a child who I think should be sorry but who is not. What parent hasn’t had a child say to them, “But, I’m NOT sorry I did it!” There is usually little point in arguing and trying to convince them they are sorry if they are just not feeling it. Learning remorse and compassion take time and younger children often are not developmentally able to truly feel sorry for something they have done or said. It takes practice, experience and time before apologies can be heartfelt and meaningful.
What about you? What are your theories on apologies? Do you encourage your child to apologize for things he or she SHOULD feel sorry for and hope that the lesson takes hold? Or do you use such circumstances as an opportunity to teach lessons about hurting other people (feelings or otherwise?) What do you say when your child says “I’m NOT Sorry!”?
Also: Don’t Be Afraid to Make Apologies