I remember very clearly the few times in my adolescence and growing up years that I was able to “pass the buck” on my parents and how much I appreciated it. Sure, there were plenty of times when I felt oppressed by their unjust rules and all the times I thought they didn’t understand me–but there were also those times when I was grateful to be able to say: “My parents won’t let me” or “my mom said no.” I know for a fact that my own kids have felt the same way. They have been plenty angry at times that I stood in the way of them being able to have fun or do what they wanted to do at the time, but they have also relied on being able to have the safety and reassurance of blaming their non-participation on me.
Of course, we parents don’t set limits for those few times when our children actually appreciate it. We set limits because it is the right thing to do at the time, or we are doing the best we can with our own personal philosophies and trying to look after our children. Still, letting our kids know the “secret” that they can blame us and not have to look like a dork can be a gift. Instead of having to admit to their friends: “I don’t want to go to this party with no parental supervision where I don’t know what is going to happen” they can blame their overly-strict parents instead: “I wish I could come, but my parents won’t let me go unless they know your parents will be there.”
“My mom won’t let me” can feel oppressive one day and a lifesaver the next. Letting our kids know that even if we do not say “no” they can still blame us in order to save face and get out of something unsavory or unsafe is another gift we can give our children. I am not talking about letting them out of something they are supposed to do–like participate in P.E. or a research project–but using us as the “bad guys” in order to save face with their peers and still do what is right is one of the healthy ways we can set limits and provide our kids with security and stability.
Also: Setting Limits Without Causing Resentment
How Good Are You at Setting Limits?