I’ve been a single parent for several years and I think I’m pretty solid in the way my life is. That doesn’t mean that I haven’t tried dating and even attempted a relationship (with a capital “R”) in the years since my divorce. I realized recently that while I have solidly recovered from the divorce, being a single parent has caused me to learn and add some other “defensive tools” to my demeanor. While my feeling protective and defensive when I meet new people is understandable, it’s not necessarily healthy.
I think as single parents, we can have a tendency to feel like we need to control and protect so many elements of our lives. We want to keep things moving in a productive way in our families, we may have had to make up for an unresponsive or irresponsible ex-spouse, and we may feel like we have to protect our children from experiencing any more hurt or pain. That’s a lot for one person to try to control! Even though my children are nearly grown and becoming increasingly independent, I realized that I was still automatically defensive of my single parent status and still trying to protect them and myself from any new people (friends or dates) that might try to come in and judge our scene.
A close friend helped me to see that if I really felt comfortable in my life, I wouldn’t feel the need to be so defensive. What a wake-up call that was! In my determination to keep people from getting in a position where they could judge or hurt my family, I’ve been automatically assuming that others might not be supportive or “on board” with my functional, well-adjusted family. Of course, I can make all sorts of justifications and excuses–the fact that teachers and schools tend to assume that any misbehavior or low grade is the result of my kids coming from a “broken home,” or the dates I’ve had with people who asked if my kids were “good.” But the truth is, there are plenty of sweet, open, nonjudgmental people out there who can become friends and allies to my family–I just have to let my defenses down enough to let them in.
See Also: Single Parents Aren’t Perfect–At Least I’m Not and Coping With Comparisons–For Parents