When I was a kid, I was definitely raised in a world where grown-ups had to be in charge. I can even remember playing marbles with my great-grandmother and she would beat us every time–without giving an inch, she would play to win. Between competition and the need for grown-ups to have the last word, a child can start to feel rather stubborn and rebellious in trying to feel empowered. You might notice that a big part of what is going on with stubborn toddlers is that they are trying to get some control and power in their lives. I think that letting kids win at some of the smaller things can give them a sense of empowerment and make it possible for us parents to win on some of those bigger issues.
I think there is a difference between a parent giving in and letting a child have his own way, and making sure that a child has multiple little successes and “wins” throughout the day. Letting a two-year-old “beat” you in a game of basketball or a foot race or a five-year-old win at Chutes and Ladders can help them feel empowered and help cut back on the power struggles. Make a big deal out of a child’s accomplishments and successes: “You did such a great job of getting dressed this morning and you were done before me!” can contribute to a child feeling competent and capable. I found with my own children that by letting them have wins and playing up their accomplishments when they were younger, they were much less likely to dig in and try to create a scene over other situations. If I was saying “no” and taking away any power they had all day long–they would put up a big fuss or temper fit just to be heard and acknowledged. If they got to win and succeed, however, they were more likely to give in when I said no or I pulled rank on something important.
Also: It’s Not Whether You Win or Lose…
You Don’t Always Have to “Win”