I am, by nature, a somewhat impulsive person. Not necessarily kooky-jump-in-a-creek type of impulsive, but I tend to be someone who is willing to take risks, say what I think needs to be said and, yes, sometimes, speak first and think later. Parenting, however, has given me the opportunity to learn to temper my impulsiveness and not only think before speaking or responding to my children–but to actually listen, breathe AND think before responding to things that they say and do.
Of course, there are moments when thinking fast and the ability to be sudden and impulsive can really be a benefit–when your child is about to topple out of a shopping cart, bang that toy truck onto her sister’s head, or run out into the street. Then, the ability to jump in boldly without thinking is a real strong point. But, for many of the other challenges of parenting–letting a little time and process lapse between what our child says or does and what we say or do can be just what the situation calls for.
So, I talk myself though it with “Listen, breath, and think”–I work to listen completely and all the way through what my child is both saying and “not saying” with body language and subtle, between-the-lines communication. This doesn’t come easily for me since I tend to want to jump right in and cut to the chase. So, I work on really, really listening.
And while I’m listening, I try to tell myself to breathe. Sounds simple doesn’t it? But, have you ever been in a particularly stressful situation with your child–he is throwing a tantrum or telling you about some questionable behavioral choice he’s committed during the school day–and you realize you are all balled up and actually holding your breath? I often find in times of crisis and stress that I am rather balled and bunched up and not breathing. By breathing while I’m listening to my kids, and breathing while I’m processing, it just feels like I’m creating some open, healthy “flow”–instead of balling up in a wad of stress and tension, I’m letting the creativity and calmness move through me.
Finally, and only after the listening and breathing, do I think before I respond. Sometimes I’ve actually been known to tell one of my children that I can’t answer or respond to something because I need time to think about it. This doesn’t come naturally for me–my mind is normally racing and I have about fifteen things I’d like to say! That doesn’t necessarily mean that they are things that should get said, however. So, thinking is key. Thinking before I respond instead of kicking myself for all the things I should or could have said after I vomit up whatever came into my mind at the onset.
I imagine there are parents out there who are naturally calm, cool and collected–I’m not one of those people. So, I’ve had to develop accommodations and lessons for myself over the years and listen, breathe and think works for me!