When I was first divorced, my kids definitely spent more time with me than they did with their father. The 50/50 parenting time split that was written into our divorce agreement was not what actually came to pass and I admit that I carried a great deal of resentment around it–especially since I never got a penny of child support or alimony or anything like that. It took a while for me to realize that my anger resentment was not only NOT helping the situation, it was actually making things worse for both myself and my children. For some reason, one of the things that irked me was when my kids referred to “living” at both my house and their dad’s. In my mind, they “lived” at my house and they “visited” his. BUT, that language and that differentiation wasn’t in the best interest of my kids…
For those children who really do go back and forth–even if it is not equal time spent at each house, it is important for them to feel as though BOTH homes are their own, that they belong both places and that they can be themselves–cared for, nurtured, loved, and supported at both homes. How many times have we heard children of divorce refer to “my mom’s house” or “my dad’s house”? In my healing process, I realized that I really wanted my kids to feel like those houses were really their homes, otherwise they wouldn’t have a strong sense of belonging and feeling claimed by their parents.
So, I had to work at changing the language I used and letting go of my resentment. I started using words like “home” instead of house for both residences and referring to my kids “living” at their dad’s instead of saying “visiting” or “staying with”. It even became a bit of a joke when I would stumble when my kids got old enough to not only realize that I was trying to be fair, but to also call me on it when I slipped or let some of that old resentment come through.
I’m not perfect, and it isn’t easy. I really do think of my kids as mine and it isn’t always easy to share–especially now that their father has re-partnered and there is a whole different “scene” across town, but for the sake of my kids, I think it was and is important that I make room for them to belong both places.
Also: Suspend Judgement of the Other Parent Until You Know the Facts
You May Have to Compromise for the Sake of the Child
Minding Your Own Business and Letting the Ex Mind His or Hers