Sometimes I wonder how the world got along without a firm basis for loving relationships? Then I wonder how we ever made the leap to love and trust someone else with our heart and soul? After all, falling in love is a great deal like jumping off a cliff. No matter how prepared you are – sometimes you hit the sides on the way down and there’s always the chance that you’ll smash into the ground at a velocity you can’t control.
Love Can Be Painful
I’ve heard love described as agonizing and painful. I’ve felt that way. When you love someone and they do something that hurts you, no matter how inadvertently, you feel the double-edged sword of love cleaving you. After all, you love this person. Their action may hurt you, but your own actions in response may hurt as well.
A few years ago, my husband lied to me about something that was rather important. His excuses for the lie were that he didn’t want to hurt me. He knew I felt strongly about something, he felt equally strong about it in the opposite direction. Rather than confront this head on, he chose to lie.
I was furious. I was angry. I was hurt. This complicated mixture of emotions was made even more difficult by the fact that I loved him. I didn’t want to be angry with him. I didn’t want to be mad and thinking the thoughts that I was. I wanted to be able to forgive him and understand him and be compassionate – but I was just so hurt and that hurt took a long time to heal.
Love Can Be Terrifying
Last December when I had to take my husband to the hospital in the middle of the night with a raging fever and in excruciating pain – I practiced control. I was terrified, but there was no real time for my terror. The emergency room nurse admitted him very quickly and they took him back to a bed in a wheel chair. They took his temperature and it was very high, the pain was unbearable and they did a series of tests, including blood work.
There came a moment when they put him on a drip for the pain and he was no longer considered legally capable of making decisions for himself. Those decisions were then given to me. They’d done an MRI and they found that he would need an appendectomy – the area was in danger of rupturing. The doctor explained everything to me and told me the surgical team was on their way.
I paced the hospital floor around his cubicle as I read through all the paperwork. I couldn’t talk to my best friend about what to do – he was unconscious. It was my decision. Granted I knew he would have the surgery, there really was no way to avoid it. Granted, the surgery was a great deal less invasive with their scopes and their probes than it once was.
But there is a danger inherent with going under anesthesia. I knew all of these things and the doctors explained it all in vivid detail. When it came time, I couldn’t let my own fear hesitate, I signed what I needed to sign and I kissed his forehead as they wheeled him away. I’d never seen him so pale, I’d never seen him so weak.
Then there was nothing to do but wait and hope for the best. Because if he didn’t come out of the surgery, I would have to tell our family and our little girl – I needed to prepare myself for that. I was all alone at the hospital, waiting vigilantly and I was ruthless in the sense that I wouldn’t let myself start crying. Instead, I played out all the scenarios in my head – bracing myself. Fortunately, he survived and although he had a fierce infection, they felt it could be taken care of with antibiotics and a stay in the hospital.
Love is a Double-Edged Sword
When you love someone, your emotions and your sense of well-being are very much tied up in them. You don’t have to be co-dependent to experience those emotions or to feel that way – it’s just how it is. When something goes wrong, that love can sustain you and help you make hard decisions. It can support your need to forgive them, even when you tear yourself up over it and it can comfort you in the dark of the night while you wait for word.
I wouldn’t give up loving the people in my life, no matter how much easier it might make things, because I’d rather that blade cut me than go dull with no edge of love at all.
How do you feel about love?