Everybody wants to play with and coddle babies. It is even fun to hang out with preschoolers and those very well-mannered early middle school age children. When our children get to be teens, however, the last thing that appears to be on either the parent or the child’s mind is “hanging out.” Teenagers still need their parents and I believe it is up to us parents to make and take time to find a way to connect with our teenagers and do something together.
Again and again teenagers report that they really DO value their families and they want to feel like they are a part of them. I know that this seems to be in direct opposition to the things they say and do when they are at home. As parents, it becomes our challenge to figure out how to get and stay close and how to do things with them—even when they say they don’t want to!
To be completely honest, I had to learn this one the hard way. I had a couple childless friends who told me when my kids became teenagers: “They don’t want you company anymore anyway!” and it was tempting to believe them. My kids were so snarky and pushed so hard to spend time with their friends and have me get out of their business. I just was not completely ready to let go, however, and I truly believed that we could stay connected—we just had to find a new way of doing it. I would have to find a new way of paying attention and being with my kids.
Consider side-by-side activities instead of intense one-on-ones. By this I mean making dinner together, working in the yard, going to get your hair done together or going shopping. It may be that your teen no longer wants to play miniature golf or have the family outings the way you used to do but if you can come up with more “grown up” things to do, they may respond. My kids continued to respond to my inviting them to lunch or dinner even in the darkest depths of teen-hood. A good meal at a good restaurant just one-on-one was one of the ways we held it together through those years. As the parent, we have to carve out that special time to stay in touch with our teen, and we have to learn how to do it in a way that supports and encourages them—not adding judgment and more pressure.