One of the communication “issues” that comes up in our household is when I will make a “suggestion” that seems pretty clear and obvious to me as something I expect my children to do—but what they hear is that I have just made a suggestion and they get to choose whether to respond or not. Who’s at fault? Well, most likely me for not making sure that I let them know when a task or activity is voluntary, and when it is required.
You would think I would know by now that if I say something like: “I would like it if you cleaned your room today.” I am not making an unquestionable statement or leaving no wiggle room for interpretation. My kids hear that I have offered up my preference, but I haven’t really given them an order. They hear that cleaning their room would be nice, but voluntary.
Likewise, “I wouldn’t do that if I was you” is a classic parental statement—we think we are issuing a strong caution to our children—telling them they should NOT be doing whatever they are setting about to do. BUT, they hear that we have an opinion on things, but they still get to choose what they are going to do. The child’s classic response is (silent or not) “I’m not you.”
Now, granted, there are plenty of times when we ARE just offering our opinion and the behavior we are recommending is voluntary. I find that the older my kids get, the more I offer “advice” instead of giving direct orders. BUT, the important thing is to make sure that everything is clear and there is no room for misinterpretation. If we have a set expectation we need to make that clear, otherwise our children will assume that we are offering a suggestion and compliance is voluntary.
Also: Let’s Get Down to the Bottom of This
Allowing for Dissent in the Ranks