There is no such thing as a fairy tale, happily ever after ending to a marriage. This is not to say marriages cannot be happy, fertile areas where both the individuals and the relationship can flourish. Just as relationships are ripe with the possibility of development and growth – they are also capable of producing cycles of negative attitudes and unpleasant emotions.
When stress is introduced to the relationship, that stress can lead to aggressive or controlling behaviors. The tension, literally, can breed more tension. An important coping mechanism for couples to learn is how to manage their aggressive and negative emotions when stress comes into play.
First and foremost is that anger often indicates frustration of an underlying need. That need may be recognition or respect of a personal need that is not being addressed by your spouse. In some cases, the frustration can be absolutely personal. You can be frustrated by your own inability to do something and that frustration may reflect onto your spouse.
It’s important to try and break the cycle where your upset feeds your spouse’s and their’s in turn feeds your’s. This leads to aggressive behavior and stresses both of you out. Understanding that your anger is a sign of deep frustration of some event or personal injustice.
Pay attention to both the verbal and nonverbal signals you send especially when you are under stress. One way to help monitor your own behavior in this situation is that anger causes us to breathe shallow breaths and accelerates our heart rate. If you are having an especially difficult time conversing with your partner, take deep, cleansing breaths.
Sometimes it helps me to keep a count. Inhale for a four count and then exhale for a four count. Just as it is important to breathe deeply and keep your heart rate steady, it’s equally important to control the pulse of any discussion you are having with your spouse. While arguing is normal and all healthy couples do it – they do it in a manner that is healthy.
Stick to the issue, don’t let anger and temper generate a cascade effect of listing every failing, flaw or injustice real or perceived that has occurred in the lifetime of the couple’s relationship. If you are in disagreement over one issue, stick to that issue. If you are harboring a great many negative feelings and you can’t stay on topic, give both yourself and your spouse a break – ask for a time out. Choose to take a 30-minute break from each other in order to calm down.
More often than not, my husband and I try not to argue a disagreement when feelings are running high. We take a break, we both walk away and we come back and try to discuss it when we have calmed down. This is how we manage our anger and try to keep our disagreements from becoming yelling arguments. We’re both intense negotiators and we are both very detail oriented.
When we can debate and negotiate an issue while calmer, we are able to emphasize the areas where we agree. We are able to see each other’s side of it. And even when we really do not see their side of the argument – we do not discount it. Respecting your spouse is a huge ingredient to generating healthy arguments rather than yelling matches.
In the end, I’d rather engage in a healthy debate where we are at least allowed to see the other person’s point of view. This keeps our arguments from escalating to full-blown fights and we walk away at least somewhat satisfied more often than not.