It is said that to forgive is divine, yet for many of us forgiveness is seems to be more than divine – it seems to be impossible. While the following may sound like a platitude, there is a great deal of truth in it. When we forgive those that do us wrong, we’re helping ourselves to achieve a sense of personal peace. We forgive those that trespass and ask forgiveness for our own trespasses – it’s good sense for our hearts, our minds and our marriages.
How to Forgive
A study at Stanford University found that people who forgive are less likely to demonstrate anger and symptoms of stress than those who don’t forgive. That’s great, but how do you do it? How do you forgive in a marriage where personality conflicts and disharmony can create a very unpleasant home life for you and your spouse?
The answer is a double-sided coin. It is and it isn’t easy. Interpersonal relationships are never easy, they are difficult and they are messy and they are great fun when they work. So let’s talk about some ways that we can forgive:
- Skip the apology – Seriously, we can get caught up in the fact that we are waiting for someone to apologize for their mistakes. We may think they need to confess their crimes and to do penance before we can offer forgiveness – they don’t. Whether they apologize or take responsibility for their actions – that is their guilt and pain that needs to be assuaged. Your responsibility to yourself is the act of forgiveness whether they do an act of contrition or not – because let’s face it – if you’re going to carry around anger, resentment and bitterness waiting for someone to say they are sorry – you are not punishing them, you are punishing yourself
- Walk a Mile In Their Shoes – My husband has a saying – assume good intentions. I’ve adopted it over the years and found that it cures far more problems than not. Whether it’s your spouse that slighted you or someone else – they may not have done so on purpose. It may very well be that they acted out of their own upset, frustration or thoughtlessness. You don’t have to care for someone else’s thoughtlessness, but you do have to accept that it does happen sometimes
- Forgiveness does not mean you forget that it happened – your feelings, your hurt – they will still be there, but forgiving the person who hurt you can free you up from hugging those feelings to you and help you to keep from hurting yourself
- Don’t forget to forgive yourself – forgiving others is very important, but so is forgiving yourself and we’re harder on ourselves than we can ever be on other people – we make mistakes, we screw up – we need to forgive ourselves
In marriage, as in life, forgiveness is a vital component to our happiness, our spouse’s happiness and the happiness of the marriage itself.
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