Marriage counseling is not the first choice of the many, but it’s not a choice that should be selected against when you are having difficulties in your marriage. The difficulties do not have to be those that are verging on divorce, however most wait until they are truly contemplating divorce before they choose marriage counseling.
So here are some suggestions and ideas for couples that are considering marriage counseling. Marriage counseling cannot only resuscitate a problem-plagued marriage, but also improve the communication, closeness and state of a marriage that is not in imminent danger.
Choose the counselor wisely. You can interview a counselor as much as they can interview you. A marriage counselor you are not comfortable with will not help you maintain or improve your marriage. You need to not only trust this person, but also be willing to listen to them.
You need to give value to the counseling, but to remember that it is a tool. I think of counseling very much like an educational class. When attending marriage counseling there are three viewpoints offered to every problem, yours, your spouse’s and the counselor’s. Their job is not to take sides, far from it in fact. Their job is to facilitate your discussions, to help you stay on target and to avoid the negative.
Counselors are trained to assist through observation and reflection. They have studied human behavior and they are trained in the dynamics of human interaction. So the first step in any counseling effort is to find a counselor who will listen to them, that they trust to listen and that they feel comfortable with. While counseling itself may not be comfortable, the personality of the counselor should not conflict with the couple. If they do, neither you nor your spouse will benefit from the counseling.
- Find Neutral Time and Ground
- Offer Your Feelings and Listen to Theirs
- Be Honest with Yourself and Your Spouse
- Listen to the Counselor, Let them Control the Tempers
Attending sessions at the counselor’s office is about letting you and your spouse meet on neutral ground and in a neutral situation. This allows you to have a relaxed, calm discussion about issues that are likely hot buttons when at home. Couples can discover resolution to issues when they are able to discuss them without the explosiveness that can ramp up quickly when a couple ‘argues’ about an issue.
Counseling offers success when couples offer up their feelings and listen to their partner’s. One of the difficulties in marriages is when one or both partners are not ‘listening’ to their partner. This can happen for a variety of reasons. Those reasons don’t have to be negative, just couples sometimes fall into the habit of assuming the answer before their partner says it and then they don’t actually hear the answer when they do get one.
Being honest is just as important in counseling as listening is. You have to be able to be honest about how you feel on the issues and don’t just say what you think your partner wants to hear. Sometimes, to get to the root of a problem and to clear the air between couples, it can be painful. You can hear truths about yourself and perceptions that you don’t want to hear. But if the two of you are committed to making your marriage work, it’s important that you both feel like you can be honest.
Finally, if you’re going to see a counselor – listen to them as well. They can offer you tips, exercises and even ideas for how to handle disagreements that will not degenerate into yelling matches. They can help you achieve a deeper understanding of each other and they may even offer a fresh perspective to a problem that neither of you have considered. That’s what their job is.
It’s important to let the counselor do their job. Your marriage solutions will be discovered between you and your spouse. Your counselor simply acts as a guide to keep you from wandering off the tour and getting lost in some other exhibit.