In contemporary culture, in-laws (especially mother-in-laws) are regarded on the same plane as lawyers and used car salesmen. Though we might know one and think well of them, as a group, they take a lot flak. As Latter-day Saints, we know that we are sealed to our in-laws for eternity. If for no other reason, we need to work to make our relationships with our spouses’ parents work. Here are some suggestions for helping.
- Don’t move in. When you are first married and struggling to get started, you might consider moving in with one set of parents or the others. I think Latter-day Saints as a whole tend to be closer to their parents, if only because more efforts have been taken on the eternal relationships and the importance of family has received greater stress; I imagine this makes us more inclined to take that easy step. But don’t do it. The first year of marriage is difficult enough to begin with, as you try to make two lives mesh and two people become one. Once you marry, you have become two separate families, and need to regard yourself as such. Although you might be struggling financially, do your very best to avoid taking this step that the prophets have warned against.
- Be considerate as you make your own family traditions. Most likely, both you and your spouse went home for holidays during your single days. Perhaps now that you are married, one or both of you wants to stay in your home (or perhaps once you have children, you want to change the way you do things). Most parents will understand that you are starting your own traditions, but some will still be hurt. Make sure you give plenty of notice (i.e. don’t wait until Christmas Eve to let them know you won’t be over at 6 a.m. for Christmas Day breakfast) and let them know that it isn’t a result of anger or irritation. Ideally, each spouse should tell their own parents, and each should present the plan as a unanimous decision (even if it took a long time to reach); don’t say, “Nola has decided that we are going to…”
- Keep your fights to yourself. Particularly early in marriage, the tendency is to turn to the parents (think, your mom) when you have a disagreement. This should be avoided. You and your spouse may reconcile and come to a middle ground where you are both happy, but your parents didn’t go through that calming process. They may still hold hard feelings against your spouse.
- Remember, grandparents are not parents. This was one of the harder ones for me (okay, it still is!). Grandparents spoil kids and give them candy before (and during!) dinner. Grandparents keep them up past their bedtime at night. Grandparents may not believe in discipline. Depending on how often your kids visit your parents, you may want to set up some guidelines of acceptable behavior (for instance, if they are over there once or twice a week), but for once or twice a year visits, relax your parental standards and let them be grandparents.
- Forgive. Many of the same principles that apply for forgiveness in marriage apply to your in-laws, if not more. Sometimes, people from a different generation may view things differently. You may get unsolicited advise (you probably will), and feel as though you are being criticized when in fact it wasn’t meant to be hurtful. Or maybe it was. Either way, remember the lessons we had on forgiveness and how it hurts you more than it hurts the person you are angry with.
When your relationship with your in-laws improves, your fights about them stop. Remember that your problems with your in-laws aren’t necessarily your spouse’s fault. However, if your spouse is having trouble with your parents, remember that you are the child and you can do the most to smooth things over. Now that you are grown, your parents probably remember that you were perfect, and all of your childhood missteps were cute. Therefore, any problems that come up are automatically your spouse’s fault. By minimizing disagreements and maintaining strong ties despite a new (or newish) marriage, you can keep down fights between yourself and your spouse regarding your parents.
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