One of the last big thing that couples fight about is children. This becomes especially true when one person brings in kids from a previous marriage. Even when both children are “ours”, parents can often find themselves disagreeing about how to raise their kids.
The most important thing to realize is that mom and dad are a team. You are both working together. Sit down, just the two of you, and discuss your goals for your children. You might have exact things you want them to accomplish, such as serving a mission and being sealed in the temple. You might have less tangible goals, such as fostering a love of the Savior or developing a strong testimony. Either way, you have to realize that, while your actions can assist your children in achieving these things, there is no guarantee. Ultimately, your child’s actions depend on them. You have a responsibility to teach and guide them, but you cannot decide for them.
Still, that doesn’t mean you have no responsibility. The Family: A Proclamation to the World states that “Parents have a sacred duty to rear their children in love and righteousness, to provide for their physical and spiritual needs, to teach them to love and serve one another, to observe the commandments of God and to be law-abiding citizens wherever they live.” You and your spouse need to be on the same page as to how to accomplish that. There may need to be some things you agree to change or improve on, such as improving your dedication to family home evening and/or family scripture study.
You also need to be certain you are on the same page when it comes to discipline. The odds are good that one of you will be more strict than the other; however, it is important that you function as a team and support one another. Unless you feel the situation is life-threatening or spiritually treacherous, do not undercut your spouse. Instead, agree to discuss your opinion on the subject out of the hearing of your children. If you are the type who tends to forget, make a note to yourself. Then you can say, “I really didn’t think that was such a big deal,” or “I felt you were a little lax on that punishment.”
Similarly, don’t let your children play two sides. If Mom makes a decision, the children should know that Dad will back it up, even if they pull him aside (and vice versa). If one parent unknowingly undercuts another (perhaps they were at work when the “no” was given), the child needs to understand that both parents are disappointed and consequences will be given. Otherwise, they will continue to do this.
Ultimately, our parenting teaches our children about Heavenly Father’s love for them. We are standing in His stead as we help guide them in their youth. Similarly, they need to know that the family as a home works as a team, and that team starts with two parents working together. By prayerfully discussing your plans and goals, and how you will implement them, you will go a long way towards avoiding fights about your little angels.
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