Money fights are one of the biggest problems in marriages today. Financial counselor Dave Ramsey teaches that this is because how we spend our money reflect our values, and whether or not we have the same goals. For instance, if one spouse values saving for retirement while the other would rather have a new boat now (and spends the money intended to go into the retirement account), there is an obvious conflict. And since a large portion of LDS families are larger than the national average, with more stay-at-home moms (and thus tighter budgets), it is easy to understand why money discussions might easily lead to tension and fighting.
The most important aspect of decreasing or even eliminating arguments about money is to get on the same page. The best way to get on the same page is to get on a budget. One thing I love about Ramsey is that he teaches that every month is NOT the same. This seems like a ‘duh’ thing until you realize that most people create a budget and then apply it to every single month – then wonder why the budget doesn’t work. For instance, this month, your budget would have to factor in Mother’s Day (there had better be a little something in there for a gift!) and, if you were in our family, my birthday. You may know that your tires are going bald and so new tires need to go into the budget. You may be planning a trip out of town. If you are getting ready to have a new baby, you need to plan not only for medical costs but also for the cut in pay that Daddy will take to stay home.
Most marriages have a number cruncher and a person who doesn’t really care about the math; after all, opposites attract! Ramsey suggests that the person who gets excited about the columns sit down and prepare a budget for the upcoming month (ie before the money goes out). He advises a ‘zero-based’ budget; you name every single dollar coming in for the month (this includes a category for ‘blow money’ for each person, which can be spent on random items with no problems). Then the couple sits down together and reviews it. The math-free person needs to actually read and discuss the budget at that point. This is not a three-hour process; at most, it will only take fifteen minutes from your life. Then the two of you promise not to spend any money anywhere else. During the first few months of doing this, you will need to have two or three “emergency budget meetings” to revise the budget for things you forgot – but you do this together.
Like most young couples, my husband and I started out without a budget. Then when we tried to do it, we frequently failed and gave up on it. (Usually I would make the budget alone and he never even saw it; no wonder we exceeded it!) After listening to Dave Ramsey for about a week, I approached my husband with this budgeting meeting idea (and several others, but that’s another book). Since then, we have gotten on the same page with our money. We don’t fight about the subject anymore because we are discussing it. Even during a very tense four months of unemployment, when we were stressing about money, we didn’t fight because we were on the same page. We knew what was most important to both of us and so we worked together to reach those goals. We sit down at the beginning of every month and discuss the bills. He now knows exactly how much debt we have, and I don’t have to carry the financial burden alone.
Ramsey makes a few other suggestions for married couples that I will only lightly touch on. The biggest one is the bulk of this article: couples should be working together on the finances. Closely related is the idea that money should be put together. There is no “his” money and “her” money, no “his” and “her” accounts. When money is separated, we are not working together towards our goals. Similarly, there should be no “allowances”. Many stay-at-home moms receive an “allowance” of money to take care of the household, for personal spending, etc. Personally, just the word “allowance” would make me feel like a five-year-old! Again, couples should be working together on the money.
When we address financial issues with our spouse, we can get on the same page. We can work towards a vacation, retirement, or upcoming purchases as a team. When both people know where the money is going (or not going), the stress of the marriage is significantly reduced. This will go a long way towards improving the relationship and eliminating tension.
Related Articles:
Five Goals to Work on as a Couple
“Oneness in Marriage” by President Spencer W. Kimball
Be sure to visit our Money blog for more great financial advice!