We recently discussed that, although allowed, divorce is to be avoided whenever possible. Still, it is a fact of life that marriages do hit roadblocks, some big and some small. Maybe your wife spends too much money; maybe your husband spends too much time with his friends. Maybe he isn’t affectionate enough, maybe she’s too needy. Or maybe, the problems are more serious: infidelity, drug or alcohol use, mental or physical abuse. What’s a Muslim family to do?
In traditional Muslim countries, the couple would sit down with the elders of the family. The husband, the wife, a representative from her family, and a representative of his would all sit down together and discuss the issue. Everyone would have one goal: to save the family. The elders, ideally, would be able to see the situation in an unbiased manner, suggesting solutions that may have escaped the couple.
In a traditional Muslim family, the entire family stands behind the couple. The whole group feels personally invested in the marriage and strives to save it at all costs. While this might feel stifling or intrusive at times, it can be a real blessing in times of trouble.
Here in the west, that support system is usually absent. Many of us are completely without family here. For those of us who do have family, the family was often opposed to the marriage in the first place! How could we possibly turn to them for marital advice? Besides, families here usually do not step in to solve the problems between a husband and a wife. Once we get married, we’re on our own.
That is why the Muslim community here needs to rethink their position on marriage counselors and therapists in general. Many Muslims are adamantly opposed to interference from outsiders, choosing to keep private things private. Many will even say things like, “Where I come from, we don’t air our dirty laundry.” Where they come from, you don’t need to air your dirty laundry.
Life is different here. The challenges are greater and the support is few. Given a choice between losing a marriage and losing a level of privacy, I vote for giving up some privacy!
[h]Choosing a Counselor[/h]
If you have made the decision to seek professional help in your marriage, you will need to find a therapist who understands the Islamic marriage. Ideally, you can find a Muslim therapist. These are getting more and more common. Check your local Yellow Pages or Muslim business directory. If that fails, try to find an out-of-the-area Muslim counselor who offers phone consultations.
You can also use a non-Muslim therapist, as long as his or her advice is in keeping with an Islamic way of life. In your initial research and interviews, look for a therapist who:
- Sees divorce only as a last resort
- Values the traditional marital roles
- Understands cultural differences
- Can respect the role of religion in a marriage
- Is not a “man basher” or “ultra feminist”
With careful choosing, even a non-Muslim therapist can be quite helpful. Have any of you used a marriage counselor? Was it helpful?
[h]Related Articles[/h]
- Roles in the Muslim Marriage
- Anger in the Muslim Marriage
- Divorce in Islam
- Rebuilding Trust after an Affair (non-Muslim blog)
- How Not to Fight (non-Muslim blog)