Next on the list on the A – Z list is baggage. It can get in the way of intimacy and communication, or we can learn from past experiences and use them to help us make better decisions and build healthier relationships.
One important thing to remember is that your spouse is a unique and special individual. He or she is not the same as all men or all women. Do not assign motives for your spouses actions based on the behavior of a parent, a previous boyfriend, girlfriend, fiancée, or even a previous spouse. Every person is different, and even if certain actions seem similar, they may be inspired or triggered by different feelings or done to reach different outcomes(this of course does not apply to abusive behavior).
Give your husband or wife the benefit of the doubt. Try not to compare him or her, positively or negatively, to someone from a past relationship. Don’t assign motives or assume you know what drives your spouse’s thoughts, decisions, or actions.
Openly communicate concerns you have about specific behaviors that make you uncomfortable, without accusing or saying things like, “You’re just like Tom!” (or Sue, or my parents, etc.). Having previously been hurt can influence the way we act and react in our current relationships, but it is important to separate baggage from our present reality.
A sad fact in some marriages is that one or both spouses may not yet have healed completely from past hurts. People sometimes hold grudges for the pain someone else caused them, but end up taking it out on their spouses. We also tend to build up walls to avoid being hurt again, but it is important to let go of the past as much as we can so we can develop new and healthy relationships.
We all bring baggage to our relationships, but how we deal with it plays an important part in the quality of our marriages.