Keeping score is one of the worst things any married couple can do. Feeling like you owe somebody gets old in a hurry as do constant reminders of past favors or “gifts.” We should not do things or buy things for our spouses in order to make them feel indebted to us. We should do them out of love.
Swapping back rubs or agreeing to trade favors is one thing, but consistently doing things just to throw them back at the other person or to manipulate him or her into doing what you want, is not good form. For one thing, it doesn’t give your husband or wife a chance to reciprocate in the way he or she would like to. It sends the message that your mate owes you, and that only what you demand is sufficient repayment.
Your spouse will grow weary of your favors, and is not likely to appreciate your gestures, if he or she is always waiting for the demand that generally accompanies such acts. Your mate will also likely stop doing thoughtful little things for you or may turn the tables and start making his or her own demands. If you have been especially manipulative or intimidating with this tactic, you may see your spouse begin to refuse even the smallest favor from you or ask you not to purchase gifts, even for birthdays, holidays, or other special occasions.
Keeping score means that one of you always owes the other something, and always has to wonder when that debt is due and how it must be repaid. There simply is no room for keeping score in a loving relationship. If you want or expect something in return for your actions, state that fact before you do the favor. Make it a fair exchange.
If you are on the receiving end of such behavior, you need to confront your spouse about this. Explain how it makes you feel and that it is not acceptable. He or she may not even realize the extent of the problem. Bring it to his or her attention and explain that you only want favors and gifts that are based on thoughtfulness, caring, and sharing, not on what return your spouse can earn on the investment.