I had no idea this would be so difficult. A month or so ago, we were presented with a possible match. On Monday we officially said “No”.
The adoption recruiter and case workers tell us to never feel bad about saying no. The Post-Adoption Services Coordinator tells me that we were absolutely right for saying no if we were so unsure.
We said no for all the *right* reasons. There were too many concerns. We were not convinced we were the right family for her, and the overall situation made us uncomfortable. We didn’t want to end up regretting our choice, and we didn’t want to look back at this pivotal moment and wonder why we didn’t listen to those nagging voices telling us it’s not quite right.
No resentment down the road, right? No regrets?
That’s what I thought, but that’s not how it’s turning out. I’m terribly sad… I’m sad for this girl, for her situation, for her future. I hope that she finds the perfect home, and I hope that she overcomes her difficult past.
I am almost in tears as I write this… but, I truly regret that I wasn’t able to provide a home for this girl, and I worry now about how she is doing and whether she will be okay.
When we were considering whether or not we wanted to pursue this adoption, I found myself imagining her here already, even with what little information I had on her. I would pick up on things she has in common with my children and wonder how they would get along and whether they would bond over those similarities.
She is short… like our oldest daughter, who was excited about the prospect of there being someone else her size around here! She is a “girly” girl, and so is our fifteen year old. I pictured them doing each other’s hair, and I even imagined them fighting over makeup and clothes. She likes singing and dancing, like our youngest.
I’m not sure what I expected. Did I believe that the case workers would just find the ideal match on the first try and there would be no hesitation? Was I hoping that once they had all of our information everything would go smoothly and there would be no hard decisions to make? Maybe I was picturing us sitting down with the case workers, pouring over information about a number of children, and picking the *right* one right off the bat.
Whatever I was picturing, this isn’t it. We’re moving forward, we’re waiting for the next match to be presented to us, but I’m getting a little scared. I have a feeling now that it will be this hard every time until we find the *right* one. And I am starting to wonder if there really is such a thing as the *right* child… the *right* situation… will we know if we find it? Or will we always hesitate?