Many people remember the often-hummed tune from Fiddler on the Roof “Matchmaker, Matchmaker.” The way young women found their husbands and vice versa in traditional Jewish life was through a matchmaker, and matchmakers (or shadchanim) are still an essential part of Jewish life today in many communities (particularly among the very Orthodox). According to Judaism, every man or woman has their life partner which was chosen for them before they were born. This true partner is called a “bashert.” The job for an unmarried man or woman (and their parents, shadchanim and friends) is to find his or her bashert. Sometimes, one is lucky enough to meet his or her bashert on the very first date. For others, it is like finding a needle in a haystack; a friend of mine went through about seventy prospects before finally finding her match (thank hashem!).
A matchmaker may be a professional, or simply a friend who brings two people together. The matchmaker will ask each party a bit about themselves, decide who seems compatible with whom, and may set up the first meeting or allow the people to make their own dates. Both parties check in with the matchmaker from time to time to give feedback, and if one of them wants to call it off, the matchmaker does the job. I think this is the nicest part about working through a matchmaker; it prevents people from getting into fights and from going on too many dates with someone who isn’t right for them. A third party can allow a person to be more objective and not to get carried away. If the match ends in marriage, the matchmaker is given money or a valuable gift.
Many communities do not use matchmakers, but men and women meet each other over “kiddush” the meal that is served after Shabbat services in the synagogue. Jewish singles organizations and activities abound, especially in New York City, and many matches have been made at these events. Even the most modern Jews sometimes hire a professional matchmaker, but many others prefer to meet on their own.