Marriage takes a whole lot of trust. You go into it trusting that the person you’ve chosen will always be there for you, will be faithful to you, will be careful of your feelings, will help you attain the things you need to be happy. When something happens to break that trust, you may feel misled, alone, abandoned, shattered, deceived—there are countless words to describe the emotions you might have. I think the greatest of them all is “hurt.” A loss of trust is not only an emotional hurt, but it can cause a deep, physical pain as well.
For some, the damage caused was so great, they decide to end the marriage. If you’ve decided that you want to mend the relationship rather than calling it quits, you have a lot of work ahead of you, but it’s a journey that can bring rich rewards in the end.
First, you’ll need to put aside the thing that broke the trust in the first place. Your natural tendency will be to hang on to it, to hold it up as an emotional barrier to protect yourself from ever getting hurt again, but until you set it down and push it to the side, you never will heal, and your relationship will not progress. You need to be willing to open yourself up again to that person and to let the past be the past.
This is probably the hardest thing you’ll ever have to do in your relationship—to open yourself up to the possibility that it will happen all over again—but if you shut yourself off, you’re not allowing yourself to experience the joy that comes from moving on together, as a team.
Second, you’ll need to understand that some offenses will occur again and again as your spouse learns not to behave in that way. Some behaviors are learned and have become habitual, and even if your spouse wants to change and overcome them, it might take a little while for it to stop altogether. Time and patience are the key factors here.
Third, remember that living down broken trust can take a long, long time. Depending on the trust that was broken, things may never be the same again, but you can build something new in its place. It takes dedication. It takes effort every day. You’re not going to wake up tomorrow with all the problems solved, but you will see changes.
Broken trust can be mended—when both partners are willing to work on it. If one half of the partnership isn’t interested in putting in the work, then no, it won’t happen. But the two of you together, with the good of your relationship in mind, can forgive each other and move forward into the future.
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