CNN health recently published a report about the supportive factors needed to help lesbian, gay, or bisexual (LGB ) people “come out” without a negative impact on their well-being. Historically, research indicated that concealing your sexuality had great consequences, both emotionally and physically. This study had a different view.
This information jumped out at me because of the rather recent highly publicized suicides of LGB youth, and the research that indicated these youth are five times more likely to commit suicide. It certainly made be think that if there are supportive factors that can be put in place there may be hope for these youth.
Some of what the research indicated seemed like it would be obvious: when someone reveals their sexuality to a group they consider tolerant, whether friends, family, or co-workers, they were less depressed and angry than those who came out to an unsupportive group. Here is the key issue: the healthiest LGB groups were those who came out selectively.
This study was rather small and had limitations like all research, but what really stood out to me was the idea that one could avoid the negative impact of coming out to an intolerant group by simply not coming out to them, but to supportive groups instead. It seems that coming out to an intolerant group and not coming out at all both had significant negative impacts, while coming out to selective groups – those who would be supportive – avoided the negatives altogether. They did not have the strain of pretending to be something they are not constantly, but at the same time did not have to deal with the potential loss of relationships due to intolerant attitudes.
Some may think that relationships with intolerant people are not worth one’s time anyway, but the reality is that the potential loss of family and friends can be devastating.
We have generations of people in this country that grew up in a time when homosexuality was considered a mental disorder – that thinking, especially when passed down for generations, does not go away just because it was removed from the manual. It takes time, education, and generations to pass for social change to occur at a comprehensive level. Look how long it took for this country to consider women and African-Americans actual people who deserved to vote. Our society changes its social views over years, not days. To expect anything different is unrealistic.
So, this gets back to why someone would want to selectively come out. If your parents are older and set in their ways is it really best for you to come out to them? In the end it is an individual’s choice; however, being the “real” you with co-workers and friends, while preserving a relationship with a family that you know could not accept you, may provide the best potential outcome when it comes to mental health.
Ultimately, no one can tell you what is the best way to deal with your particular situation, and as a heterosexual woman I could never propose to understand all of the social and emotional issues one has to deal when deciding how to navigate such muddy waters. I am a realist though, and don’t like to sugar-coat the way things are. I know there are people stuck in an old way of thinking, and that there are people who find their family ties too important to risk. It sucks that anyone has to even weigh such decisions, but they do.