“Contrary popular belief,” says Dr. John Gottman, the professor of psychology who founded the Gottman Institute. “It is the mundane events of everyday life that build love in marriage. Connecting in the countless mindless moments that usually go by unnoticed establishing a positive emotional climate.”
Gottman’s research over the last 25 years has lead Gottman to the following conclusions:
- Only 20% of divorces are caused by an affair
Marriages Die with a Whimper
So if only 20% of divorces are caused by an affair (which flies in the face of all the muckety muck promoted by soap operas) then the other 80% of divorces occur for far more insidious reasons. Often we hear that affairs happen because of other symptoms of distress that are playing out over the marriage. It’s the whimper of growing apart that can lead couples to seeking comfort with other people.
Are affairs about love? Lust? Comfort? Loneliness?
They happen for many reasons, but whatever the reason the affair happens or the couple drifts apart – feelings are hurt and relationships are battered. Sometimes they are bent, sometimes they are broken. Too often – the broken ones are swept up and dumped out in the refuse pile.
It’s a Feature, Not a Bug
In the world of software, any time a new program is developed – it has to go through quality assurance and testing. The process identifies bugs in the software, places where command lines go awry and even for the best software developer – you can write the code you know will perform the function you want, but it has to interact with multiple other functions and this can cause your intent to go in unexpected directions.
Marriage is essentially the mingling of two sets of software mingling and interacting. So more and more marriage counselors, educators and coaches are beginning to focus more on helping couples learn how to debug their marriages before the problems actually occur.
Pre-Marital Counseling
We’ve talked about pre-marital counseling here before. We’ve talked about discussing spousal expectations before marriage; but there is more to marriage therapy, counseling and coaching than just these items. It’s about learning how to positively resolve conflict before it occurs. Colleges and high schools are getting in on the act, they are offering classes in problem resolution and how to immunize yourself against disappointment and despair.
There are many ways to have a happy marriage. There are only a handful of ways that marriages go bad. Common across the board for failed marriages is the loss of communication between a couple that drifts apart. It happens when problems mount and instead of facing them together, they start tackling them individually.
Marriage stress affects every area of life, from the obvious effect it has on your children and your family to your ability to work, enjoy life and have fun. A good marriage is not something you pick out at a high end store, but like so much else in life — the more you put into it, the more you get out of it. It takes balancing learning new skills versus improving old ones.
It’s About What You Say & What You Hear
It may sound trite – but it’s true – resolving your marital disputes are less about what you say and more about what you hear. In other words, when we’re angry, sad, disappointed or freaked out for whatever reason – we become stubborn and shortsighted. Our pride acts like earplugs and we end up not listening. We hear, but we don’t always listen.
It takes time, it takes practice and it takes skill in learning to listen to what your partner says without attacking or becoming defensive. Listening is a neutral activity. One trick that the Gottman Institute uses to help educate marriage partners to their listening and communication skills includes video taping their interactions. More than one couple has been shocked to see how they behave towards each other – there is a truism that says that you see things far more clearly when you are on the outside looking in.
While a camera may make you self-conscious – a few taped sessions and you may begin to recognize a trend – and just like learning a dance step in a mirror where you can see what your body is doing – you can learn what you are doing to your marriage through the lens of the camera that shows you everything from what you say – to the body language you communicate with.
Related Articles:
Marriage Counseling – What Can It Do For You?
The Process of Marriage Counseling
Celebrity Marriages: Lessons We Can Learn