Lyn recently wrote an article examining spouses and support. She was wondering about times when life throws us some whopper dodge balls that sting like mad because we absolutely cannot avoid getting hit by them.
They’re defining times. Times when we’re faced with heart-wrenching challenges and changes that test our vows. Think lay-offs. Near-fatal car accidents that leave a loved one or ourselves mauled or mutilated. Unthinkable health diagnoses. In short, we find out if our spouse will indeed “do” and be by our side in sickness, for poorer, until death.
Once upon a time I wrote an article elaborating on how I know I love Wayne more than he loves me. (Although, because of a reader comment, I also acknowledged maybe another way to look at it is not that someone loves someone more, but that the ways we show it are just different.)
However, in Marriage Blogger Desperately Seeking Solace, I lamented over the fact that the arduous nature of Wayne’s job doesn’t seem to allow for exceptions to be made. How even when the people in his personal life really need him, they expect him to keep working.
Or do they?
In another recent article I admitted that I half suspected Wayne’s using work as an excuse to avoid being more emotionally available.
For me, any time Wayne has ever needed me, I’ve been there without hesitation. Nearly severed all his toes off with his surfboard? Took him to every doctor appointment until he could drive again. (And also drove him to and from work for a few weeks until he could do that again too.)
When I worked as a paralegal and he called saying he needed emergency oral surgery, I didn’t hesitate to take down all the information, let my boss know where I was at on a project, and then rush out of the office to meet him.
When he woke me up throwing up one night, I didn’t roll over and go back to sleep thinking he’d be okay. I listened to his complaints, called the Ask-A-Nurse, and upon her advice immediately loaded him into the car and ferried him to the emergency room where they diagnosed a case of acute appendicitis. Then I stayed with him all through the night after his surgery.
When he ran his Ironman I was there rooting him on from seven in the morning until he finally finished after 10 that night. And when he suffered severe dehydration afterwards, I ran all over Orlando at one in the morning gathering the necessary meds to help him. And a few months later, when the physical stress of the race impacted his mental health, who helped find someone to see him ASAP when he called frantic to discuss his state of mind with a professional immediately?
And when his dad passed away, I handled booking the flights, getting transportation to the airport, arranging pet care, and in general making sure he got going in the right direction with as little as fuss as possible. And then I stayed three weeks after the funeral to help his brother get some things with the estate in order while he went home and back to work.
True, he’s the breadwinner so he does have to be at work at some point. But even when I was a financial contributor to the relationship more than I am now, it was a given whether it was put to the test or not that the job came second. They’d have to understand my situation, whatever that may be, and deal with my absence.
Why?
Because I’m a devoted wife.
I don’t feel that same level of devotion from Wayne, nor have I ever seen it. Thankfully I’ve never had half the problems he has. But I’ve had some. Like the stomach bug that had me throwing up every 45 minutes for 12 hours straight. When I didn’t make it to the bathroom in time one of those times, who yelled at me for throwing up on the carpet? Worse, he didn’t help me clean it up. He expected me to do it!
And now with all that’s going on with my mom it’s hard to feel anything but more devoted than him. Because I just don’t see him giving up anything to make sure he’s by side to help me through these times like I’ve been for him.