The other day I wrote about how I am still learning to listen. This is especially true in my relationship with my teen daughter.
I referred to a book I am reading, “The 7 Desires of Every Heart.” One of the desires is to be heard, to be listened to.
Once again something jumped off the page at me when I was reading further into the book. “Good listeners are those who don’t try and talk you out of your feelings.”
Until I read that, I hadn’t recognized this as a problem for me. But I have been getting really honest with myself lately and trying to find ways that I can improve my communication.
There are many times that I have tried to talk others out of their feelings without realizing it. My daughter will express how she feels about something and I will try to explain how her feelings are misguided.
I may not outright say that but when I correct her, it is exactly what I am doing. Let me give you an example so you can relate.
Let’s say my daughter says to me, “It feels like you are always taking my brother’s side.” My normal response might be something like, “No, you’re wrong. It’s not that I am taking his side, it’s that…”
I am trying to talk her out of her feelings. Instead, what I should say is something like, “I can understand why you might feel that way” and then, if necessary, go on to state what the situation is.
Even if you want to counter a statement with a response, it’s important to first acknowledge the other person’s feelings…not try to convince them how wrong they are. I don’t know about you, but this is good stuff to learn!
The other thing I read which also jumped out at me is, “They also do not judge you, nor do they try and fix your feelings or your situation.” This is another one I am guilty of.
Sadly, I have sat in judgment of my teen daughter’s feelings. I have tried to fix them. I have also tried to fix situations when in reality, all she has really wanted is for me to listen.
This has been a situation being played out in the last week, as my daughter has been on the outs with a friend. I want it to just end, for them to make up. But since that is my goal, I have been invalidating many of her feelings.
Now to take what I am learning and apply it…that’s a different story.
Related Articles:
When Teens Don’t Share Everything
Words You Should Never Say to a Teen
Photo by Roland Tanglao on Flickr