Many of us are not too keen on change. In fact, if you ask most adults how they feel about pending changes–whether they are expected to be good or bad, they may confess that they are a little squeamish about change or that they just don’t “handle change well.” We know that flexibility is an important element in the single parent family, but if we are having trouble with change, some of our kids really have a hard time! Those children who really cling to and need routine and structure can really be thrown for a loop when it comes time to move or make big changes in the family scene.
For children who really need that structure and who are reluctant to make any changes to their routine, it is important to give them plenty of time to get used to the pending shifts if possible. Now I know this isn’t always possible in a single parent family, but the more we can be attentive to the preparation–the better. I found with my children that even if it seemed like a pretty sudden change, if I took the time to tell them honestly and calmly everything I knew about the situation and made myself available to answer questions, try to alleviate fears and concerns, and to be fully present for them–it helped. Of course, this can mean that we have to put our own “stuff” aside for a while in order to be there for our kids, but just as the experts suggest that the child’s room is the first room to be put together when you move to a new house, I do think that putting the child first in times of big change or a move is very important.
I think it can also be a good idea to help the child focus on what is going to stay the same. The changes are a given, but for a child who really clings to routine, letting him know all the things in his life that are going to be the same and NOT change can be reassuring. Talk him through (and he may need to hear this over and over again) how his day and routine will be exactly the same and incorporate the changes so that it doesn’t sound or seem so overwhelming.
Finally, patience, time and understanding are the key–give the child plenty of time to adjust to the move or the changes and continue to provide reassurance and answer questions and concerns. These routine-strict kids don’t just suddenly “bounce” and make a quick adjustment in most cases.