Honestly, the hardest part of searching out my roots, was explaining to my adoptive mother my need to search. I cannot imagine any adoptee feeling a whole lot different than I did. My fears were surrounded by a lifetime of not really being allowed to talk about the fact that I was adopted.
Not all adoptive parents are this way. However, mine were. And I do understand. I was THEIR child. As was my brother. I think my mother thought if she closed her eyes, she’d make it true. Unfortunately that is not how it works. And although I love my adoptive mother with all my heart, I had a true need, a true passionate desire to seek out my biological mother.
I needed so badly to be like someone. I needed to look into eyes that were like mine. I needed to see a face that was like mine. I needed to know that there was someone who’s personality matched mine. I was so incredibly different than my adoptive family. It wasn’t for lack of trying to be like them either. But I couldn’t change myself that much, and when I tried I became extremely unhappy. So I stopped trying and decided to be who I was and find someone else that was more like me.
Now, don’t get me wrong. I owe my adoptive parents more than I could ever repay. They were the best parents that they could possibly be. I love them dearly. My adoptive father passed away my senior year of high school, a highly emotional time that took years to recover from. And when I think of him now, I just wish he was here to meet my children, and my new family. And when people say “How’s your mom?”, I don’t think of my biological mother immediately. But my adoptive mother pops right into my mind. After all, she was there all those years! My biological mother has only gotten to be a distant part of the last 10 years of my life. Not by choice, but by circumstance.
I’m not sure why I shared this post today, except that it seems all my other posts seem to come across speaking only of my love and need for my biological mother, and I needed others to know that isn’t exactly how it is. Although I seriously craved that connection and now that I have it, I could never let it go. I also need my adoptive mother more than I could ever speak words for. I call her everyday. Yes, everyday! I love her more than she could ever know, more than is possible to understand.
I know many people asked me, “How could you do that to your mother?” during my search. Are you serious? I tried so hard to not think that I was “doing anything” to her. I wanted to protect her, I just wanted her to be an active part in my search, and subsequent reunion. And unfortunately that wasn’t to be. She couldn’t do it. And I do understand, I just wish it could have been different.
Now, before anyone goes and thinks that my adoptive mother played no role in my search and reunion. Actually she met my biological sister. Which is a HUGE step for her. You have no idea. And it was a moment that will stay with me until the end of time. It was the first time I’d ever had her support me during the search and it was nearly ten years after I began the search and around eight years after I actually made contact.
I wrote this poem during the beginning part of my search. Right after my adoptive mother had learned about my search.
Somewhere out there is the seed,
that helped to plant the tree of my soul.
And somewhere out there, is the ground and the roots,
in which I grew and sprouted.
And somewhere out there is the sun,
that shone on my protected shell.
Making me become who I am,
and filling me with warmth and love.
Through the darkness,
I could feel the heat of love,
But now as I walk in the light,
There is a piece of the sky missing.
Just like the love of a mother bird,
pushing her baby out of the nest, into the world.
I too was pushed out of her nest,
and taken from that warmth and love that I crave.
Tomorrow, I will find the heart,
that made me who I am.
But today, I will remember,
The seed, the roots, the ground……
I will be adding more about my adoptive mother’s role in my search and reunion over the next few weeks. I will also discuss how she has overcome her initial reaction to my search. Please watch my blog for more adoption related posts!