The other day Dale wrote an article entitled “Are You the Exception to the Rule?”. It was about relationships with mother-in-laws, in particular ones that are very amicable.
As I commented on Dale’s blog, I have a bit of an unconventional relationship with my mother-in-law.
Wayne’s Mom
As many of you regular readers know, Wayne and I have been together for over 20 years. (This past May, we celebrated 22 years together. And in a little over a week, we’ll celebrate our 13th wedding anniversary.)
I knew Wayne’s dad very well. I met him right at the beginning of our relationship. It wasn’t until Wayne’s dad died that I met his mom, though.
When she left Wayne’s dad, she also left Wayne and his brother. Wayne was about six at the time. From then until the time I met him, I think he’d only seen her a handful of times.
Cultivating a Relationship, Brewing Trouble
Wayne’s dad died in 2002. Sometime after that is when Wayne’s mom and I started tentatively emailing each other.
She’d extended the first olive branch by writing to congratulate me (and rave) about my first book. I thought that was kind, so I wrote back to thank her. After that we started exchanging sporadic emails.
This brewed trouble almost immediately, though not from the source you might first suspect. Wayne could’ve cared less about my correspondence with her, but his grandma and aunt on his mom’s side were appalled. (Yes, you read it right. My mother-in-law’s own mom and sister were peeved about us talking.)
Strained Relationships
I have to admit, when I was younger and learned that Wayne’s mom had taken off on him, his brother, and his dad, I had made up my mind to give her a piece of my mind if I ever had the chance.
But then when I met her and she started reaching out, I wondered if maybe she was looking for a second chance. If she felt bad about missing out on Wayne’s life. If this was her way of trying to make some sort of amends. I wasn’t about to spout off and wreck a chance at a reunion.
Wayne had mixed feelings about it all. He found my optimism endearing, but he had been burned. He was less keen on giving her another chance to perhaps do it again.
And his grandma and aunt just got madder and madder about me encouraging any sort of relationship. Eventually things boiled to such an ugly point they stopped talking to us all together. (There were other factors that led up to that, but the bad feelings all started when I began communicating with Wayne’s mom.)
Know the Woman, Know the Man
Some aspects of Wayne have been a complete enigma to me. For instance, he loves to travel. So does his brother for that matter. But they are the only two in their family like that.
His dad certainly wasn’t the type to go hither and yon. Nor are his grandparents on his dad’s side. And he’s the only one who’s moved to live in different cities. Everyone else has been rooted to Denver for generations.
I’ve never been able to understand where he gets his gypsy ways…until I started talking to his mom. She’s also lived all over the country because she wanted to experience different places. And she loves to travel, which she does frequently.
A Work in Progress
I can’t say that we’re close, my mother-in-law and I. Our relationship is more of a work in progress.
But I am growing fond of her, and I believe her of me. And in a way I feel this helps Wayne. Because whether he wants to admit it or not (which he never does), his mom leaving him influenced him in more ways than one.
Wayne and his mom still don’t really communicate. When his grandma on his mom’s side died last December, his mom called to tell us. They talked a couple of times then. And this year she did send a card for his birthday.
I feel she’s trying, that she does feel bad about how things played out but doesn’t know how to say sorry. My sense is that by talking to me she finds a connection to him.
So I’m keeping the lines open. The romantic in me likes to believe anything’s possible. Even hard reconciliations of this nature.
Related Articles
What You Can Learn from How He Treats His Mother
How Wayne Welcomed His Mother-in-Law
What Do You Call Your Mother-in-Law?
Slide Show DVD – Made My Mother In Law Cry
Is Your Past Affecting Your Present?