Please meet Anna White, married at 17 for five years until her 22nd birthday; Anna offers some insights to her experience. Now at age 30 and on her second marriage, Anna’s seen both sides.
HL: Thank you for agreeing to talk to me today. Tell us a little bit about yourself.
AW: Well, I’m celebrating my 30th birthday this October and just celebrated my fourth anniversary on my second marriage. I have a beautiful 12 year old girl and a wonderful 2 year old.
HL: You got married when you were 17 the first time. Why did you and your first husband decide to get married then?
AW: Well, we’d been dating for two years – we were crazy about each other. I got pregnant and it was just the thing we needed to do.
HL: Did you feel like you had to marry him?
AW: Yes and no. My parents would have supported me either way – but I loved him and he loved me. He wanted to do the right thing.
HL: So what happened?
AW: What didn’t happen? It’s like the classic story of two kids who decide that because they care, they are deeply in love. But neither one of us were done growing up. I dropped out of high school to have the baby. He graduated, but he skipped going to college to get a job because he had to support us. We lived with my parents for a few months, but right after my 18th birthday, we moved into our own place. It was really small and we only had the one car. We couldn’t afford a lot of things – including a phone. It was also tough because my daughter was born with a lot of problems – medical issues that we had to struggle with —
HL: What caused the dissolution of the marriage?
AW: What didn’t? The simple fact is that I grew up overnight with having the baby and struggling with all those issues. My husband tried to do his best, but he missed his friends, he was missing college, he was working all the time and before our second anniversary, we could barely talk to each other without sniping and resenting each other —
HL: Do you think you could have salvaged the marriage through counseling?
AW: We tried counseling. Through our Church, even with our parents helping on both sides – but the truth was – we didn’t understand the commitment we were making to each other when we made it and we really resented the heck out of each other for being in the position we were in. Our fights were cruel and – when he started seeing other girls who were ‘fun’ in a way that I just wasn’t anymore – it was the last straw.
HL: You divorced, but married again a few years later. How is your second marriage different?
AW: Easy, I was an adult making that commitment with an understanding of all that it implied. I wasn’t this kid trying to do the right thing based on lavender unicorns and pipe dreams. It also helps that I’ve known my husband my whole life – even when I was married the first time – we’ve always been friends and we shared something that my first husband and I never did – we were friends first, the love and the passion, it’s a part of that friendship – but we understand how to be committed now. We married for the right reasons.
HL: Do you regret your first marriage?
AW: I think that’s a hard question to answer. I still care about my first husband. I still love that crazy boy he was in high school and he’s grown up to be a great dad – I guess what I regret is that we didn’t grow up together – we didn’t both cross over to that level of maturity at the same time. We weren’t ready – but regrets don’t serve any purpose – what’s done is done.
HL: What advice would you offer to other teenage would be brides?
AW: I’d tell them to wait a year. Pregnant or not, beliefs or not – wait a year – wait till you understand what the commitment really means. A baby is one way to make a person really grow up. A marriage is another huge step. At 17, there’s no way to really see what’s going to happen. I don’t know if I would have done things differently, I really thought I was ready and our families were incredibly supportive – I guess my regret is that we couldn’t make it work – but we weren’t in the same place at the same time. So I’d tell those would be brides to know for sure that they are getting married because they are committed to the other and not because they are having a baby or because they think it’s the right way to do it.
HL: Thanks for giving me the time for this interview today and congratulations on your marriage and your kids.
AW: Thank you, I hope it helps someone.