I’ve recently reviewed Jana Wolff’s memoir, Secret Thoughts of An Adoptive Mother. I’ve also shared my own impressions and experiences regarding the issues she raises in two of my blogs: here and here .
But I promised myself that rather than just react to Wolff’s experiences and feelings and comment on how mine were the same or different, I would take the time to recall and bring into the sunlight other thoughts I did have during the process of deciding when, how, from where and who to adopt—and through the process of actually doing it. Assumptions and feelings just below the surface sometimes color our feelings and experiences without our being consciously aware of them.
At the beginning of the process, I was determined to stick to the ideal of only adopting a child who really needing me. At the same time, there were certain special needs, such as severe cognitive or emotional disabilities, that I knew I wasn’t prepared for. (I talk about these in my blogs Turning Down a Referral and What Special Needs Could we Handle?)
After Patrick was born, I knew I wanted a chance to raise a girl—although I wouldn’t admit that either.
I dealt with both of these wishes by actively looking at photolistings of “waiting children”—children who weren’t being matched with an adoptive family from an existing list of families waiting for a referral.
On the one hand, I really was trying to find the right combination of a child who really needed a home, whose needs I felt I could meet. On the other hand, you could validly say this was careful assessment. It also, however, met my need for control, more than did waiting to get to the top of the list and getting the next referral to come along (although we would still have had a chance to say whether or not we were prepared to parent that specific child, and most agencies do not penalize parents or move them to the back of the line for declining a referral).
I also wanted a chance to parent a girl, though I wouldn’t admit it. Again, I looked at the photolistings with a slightly biased eye, although I told myself I was being objective. I did look at all the waiting children, or at least most of them. I just seemed to look at all the girls first, that’s all.
Look for my next blogs for even more secret fears (and I always thought I was such a rational and well-adjusted person–smile–)