The National Lunch Association, the governing body of all those who eat lunch, particularly school lunch, has started a new campaign against those parents whose children may eat lunch any way they would like.
The National Lunch Association, which has long denounced the rights of parents everywhere to feed their own children lunches, has said in a statement last week that children should eat lunch at a state mandated pace. Children should not eat more than the state lunch menu dictates nor should they eat less.
One parent voices concern: “But what if they’re ready for more? My child wanted and needed more substantial lunches than was allowed for on the menu. Why shouldn’t we be allowed to customize according to the needs of our children?”
However, the National Lunch Association has cited several problems with children just randomly eating at their own pace with no regulation whatsoever:
1) Children eating at their own pace is in part a conspiracy led by parents who are “home feeders” to take over all the national academic competitions.
2) Only officials who are properly trained can determine the best course of nutrition for each child. The idea that different children eat different is just ludicrous, says the National Lunch Association.
3) Eating meals more quickly or more slowly, or that have different content, may very well upset the bell curve. This is bad because it would monumentally change thousands of educational philosophy textbooks.
4) Again, the whole idea of having untrained parents allowing their children to just eat, without restrictions, is just anathema. There is no guarantee that these ‘home eaters’ will grow up to be productive gourmands. Unlike the institutionalized eating program where there is complete control over what children are fed.
5) Rules and bureaucracy help create jobs people. If we have lots of children eating at home, where would the National Lunch Association be? What would happen to the well paid and well respected positions of grand master of lunches and CEO of sandwiches? It would be a disaster.
Clearly, the National Association of Lunches has a point. We simply cannot let students eat whatever they want at their own pace. It might cause mayhem and confusion.
Note: This is a spoof off of a case HSLDA recently featured on their website. A girl was told that she couldn’t do two grades in one year because those were the rules. It makes no sense which is the point of the National Lunch Association. It is meant to be ludicrous and not taken seriously.