This is a painful and difficult problem, which was recently expressed by a reader, so I’m going to do a series of articles on this topic. I hope this information will prove helpful. I’m not a counselor, so if you feel you need professional help, please seek advice from a qualified expert (*please see articles listed below).
There are many reasons why stepparent and stepchild relationships are difficult, including not taking the time to get to know one another. However, there may also be other issues. Blended family relationships can be successful and fulfilling, but that doesn’t mean they’re easy. I’ll offer my personal suggestions, based on research and observation in this series.
If you find yourself feeling bitter or resentful because you seem to do all the care-taking, it is imperative that you communicate this to your spouse. If you don’t sort it out, these feelings will continue to build, and you may end up going off and saying something you’ll regret. If you blurt out, “I can’t stand your kids!” you’ll never be able to take it back, even though you probably didn’t really mean it. Don’t wait until the tension builds to that point.
It’s probably not really the children that you are bitter toward anyway, but more likely your spouse or the children’s other parent, who piles responsibilities on you instead of caring for his or her children. The children have no control over this. It’s not their fault that their mother or father is irresponsible.
Try to look at it from their perspective. It has to be very painful to know that their own parent doesn’t care about them. With this in mind, you may find empathy for them instead of resentment. Your angry feelings have a place, but they lie with the responsible party. The children didn’t create this situation.
Being a stepparent can feel like a thankless job. It requires the same patience and devotion as parenting your own children, yet frequently, the rewards are not the same. The children may enjoy your care, even expect it, yet they may not show affection or appreciation like they would if you were their “real” mother or father. They may also be afraid to get close to you after being emotionally abandoned by a biological parent, so try to put yourself in their place, and work from there.
You may also want to look for a stepparent group via email or a stepparent forum, where you can find support from others that can relate to what you are going through.
*Please, check back for further articles in this series.
Related Reading:
Can Therapy Hurt Your Marriage?
Warning Signs of a Subjective Marriage Counselor