When we feel taken for granted, it hurts. It is not conducive to a happy relationship with stepchildren, or a spouse. That’s why communication is necessary. Your spouse also has the responsibility of working to ensure that his or her children treat you with respect and courtesy. Yet, you may need to bring it to his or her attention.
Try to gently discuss these issues with your spouse, without children present. Explain how you feel, without accusing. Use “I statements,” such as “I feel taken for granted,” instead of “You (or your kids) don’t appreciate me.” Try to frame the conversation in a way that doesn’t put your spouse on the defensive. You don’t want the conversation to turn into one of your spouse defending her or himself or his children, instead of dealing with important issues.
Resolving the situation may also require a family meeting. After talking to your spouse, the two of you may need to sit down with the children. They may have no idea how you are feeling. Adults don’t always pick up on such things (as evidenced by the fact that your spouse wasn’t aware), so you can’t expect kids to read your mind. A firm yet gentle discussion may change the tone of the relationship.
You may even find that the kids like you more than you think they do. They may be so relieved to have a parent figure that actually takes care of them that they prefer you to that parent, which can place a lot of demands on you. While it can be overwhelming, it’s actually a good thing if you think about it. They feel safe enough with you to let go and be themselves. They’re just being kids, and kids tend to think of themselves first. It’s natural and only begins to fade as we mature. If feelings can be brought into the open and some ground rules can be set, you may see things begin to change for the positive.
Family issues are often much more complicated than they appear on the surface, and again, it’s probably not really the children whom your resentment is toward. Trying to blend a family can be a demanding process, as are most relationships worth having. I wish each of you and your families the best.
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