I have made the decision to have prophylactic bilateral mastectomies, I found the surgeon and the date is set February 2nd. Shortly before my surgery I saw a movie on TV based on a book called “Why I Wore Lipstick to My Mastectomies” the author is Geralyn Lucas. It is real life story about a young woman who chose to do the mastectomies; she saw it as an opportunity to have some control over her life and her cancer.
There was something in that movie that seemed to validate my reasons for my upcoming surgery. It helped me feel a little less crazy; it showed that I was not the only one feeling what I was feeling. It was like suddenly I was not alone. I went out the next day and bought the book and read it cover to cover and it so empowering I cannot begin to explain it. I felt amazingly at peace during the time building up to the surgery. I did get some great insight from the book that I had not thought about, I had to find a way to say good-bye to the “girls”.
Yes, I was going to wake up with new “girls” but the ones I had grown attached to, had so much fun with were not going to be there anymore. They were not the same “girls” that I knew before my lumpectomy a little over a year ago, they had betrayed me and got cancer, they have a scar and induced fear in me. I did not know how I was going to feel when I woke up after surgery, I was not sure that what I would think of the new “girls”, and would the fear be gone? I had done so much research on the TRAM flap reconstruction surgery; I had looked at many pictures of the after results but would mine look like that?
The night before my surgery I will admit this to you, no one knows this yet, I took a very long hot shower and sat at the bottom of the tub and cried. I wanted a chest for so long and now I was making the choice to have them removed. Yes I was hoping this would help my sanity but it was still a big decision for me. Up until this point the decision was relatively easy but when the night before the surgery came the reality hit me about what I was going to do. I kept crying in the shower until the water turned cold, then I wiped my eyes and pulled myself together. I dried off and painted my finger and toe nails a bright red. I don’t know why but I guess it had to do with that book, I wanted the doctors and nurses to see this little gleam of color and remember I am a person not just a body on the table. I did have to leave one finger and one toe not painted so they could attach their little monitors to check my oxygen level but the other 9 were bright red.