Yes, this is about no. Four-year-olds love to push boundaries, and sometimes my boundaries can feel mighty pushed. I find four-year-old temper tantrums very difficult to deal with, too. At two years old, my toddler was easily distracted.
“I want a cookie! I want a cookie!”
“No, dear, you’ve already had a cookie.”
“I want a cookie!”
“Oh, my – look at that garbage truck!”
“Garbage truck? Oh, garbage truck!”
At four, our tantrums seem to revolve around the same business: treats, toys, and television. However, my daughter is much less willing to be distracted.
“I want a cookie!”
“No, dear, you’ve already had a cookie.”
“I want another cookie!”
“No more cookies today.”
“I want another cookie! I like cookies! You never, ever give me any cookies!”
“Tomorrow is another dessert night.”
“If you don’t give me another cookie, I am never eating cookies again!”
(Incoherent screaming about cookies)
As a child, I was a stubborn little person and I had many time outs. In those days, they were called “Go to your room Right Now!” However, I don’t recall being particularly put out by going to my room or to any other place. As an older child, I would actually escape from my room, climb out the window and play in the yard.
What works for us? Well, futility works. I believe that children need to be able to experience coming up against a wall, being angry with that wall and then finding other ways to happy. My daughter can get very, very angry. When I can’t diffuse it, I let her be angry. Afterwards, we have a time in and discuss what happened. We sit and snuggle and discuss what is going on. We talk about consequences. These talks work, but they only work after a spate of anger.
The key is that I need to remain sane and balanced during the tantrum. While she’s screaming, I remind her that I am here when she needs me. I don’t walk away, but I disengage from the tantrum. I let her rail against authority as long as she doesn’t hurt herself or others. After a while, she is no longer as angry. The big emotions have passed, and we’re able to talk rationally about the situation.
What do you do with a child who is ready to tantrum?