Enough years have passed that my children have grown quite used to the way things are—two households, post-divorce. As a matter of fact, so much time has passed that it is sometimes hard for them to really fathom that it was ever any different. Of course, we have our stories and memories, but the reality of day-to-day living has taken over. In the early months, however, my kids were pretty typical and they harbored that “Parent Trap” mentality that their divorcing parents might actually get back together…
I think it is important for parents who are definitely divorcing to be very clear and firm about the change in family status. Of course, it is horribly painful at the time, but the longer kids are in “limbo” and the inevitable transition is postponed, the harder and more painful it can be. Hanging in that “in between” place can feel insecure and kids need as much stability and security as we an muster during a family crisis—letting them know that the family is definitely moving from point A to point D (divorced) is part of helping them adjust to the new order.
Keep the boundaries firm and reassure children that while the two of you will not be getting back together, they will still have two parents. Of course, this won’t really apply if you are a single parent from the get-go, or if the other parent really does take a hike after the separation or divorce—but if you and your ex-spouse or partner or going to co-parent, reassure the kids and give them as careful and clear a picture as possible of how things will be.
Where things can get messy for the kids is if YOU know that you will not be getting back together, but your ex-partner holds out hope and conveys it to the kids, or the kids get mixed and messy messages from relatives, friends, etc. It might be necessary to make your boundaries really clear with everyone and tell them that reconciliation is not on the horizon. As long as you maintain a stable and secure message to your children, they will be able to adjust to the change without the looseness of not knowing what might happen.
Also: Working to Heal Old Wounds
Dealing With Guilt as a Single Parent