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Jon and I started dating in college, and we were far from the only ones in our social circles to do so. Some of the others would make fun of us, giving us couples’ names, like the media does for dating celebrities (our name was Jangela). It never really bothered me, except for one potential interpretation: was there some truth in the fact that I didn’t do much without Jon?
Looking back, I think that I had enough friends and enough things going on in my college life that were separate from my boyfriend. But I could see how it might not seem that way to some people; I’m sure there were some who only ever saw us together. And we certainly spent a ton of time together. College is a weird place to start dating, because even if you’re not in the same room, you’re still almost kind of living together already (especially because we were in the same dorm for the first two years).
I hadn’t really thought about any of this in a while, but then last night I went to quiz night without Jonathan. He got back from work late, and the thought of having to head into a social situation was just draining for him. Several people asked me where he was. This always happens when he doesn’t come to quiz night, which happens nearly every other week.
It’s funny because I started going to quiz night without Jon; he used to have class on Wednesday nights, so he never used to come. But in the few months since he started coming regularly, it seems like I have to explain it anyway when he doesn’t arrive with me.
Of course it’s not that people are shocked to see me without my husband. The more, the merrier at quiz night, so they’re just curious as to where the extra player went. But it did get me thinking: does society expect a husband and wife to be joined at the hip whenever they can? Is it really that strange for me to go to things on my own?
The answer is no, but it’s something I’ve had to encourage myself to do. I started volunteering to fill time when Jon wasn’t around. For a while I didn’t want to accept any volunteering duties if he was home. I’d also try not to plan social events that I’d attend without him for times when he would just be at home, too.
Now I see how silly that was. Maybe it was the flush of being a newlywed, or maybe I was just loath to spend any time away from him because we’d just spent a while in a long-distance relationship (probably a bit of both). But I’ve already talked a lot about having things in your life outside your spouse.
What I want to talk about is when we do go places together. I’ve often found people will try to move their seats or rearrange groups so we can sit next to each other, or be on the same team. I’ve always found that strange: we don’t have to spend every minute together.
We don’t have to be on the same team at quiz, or sit next to each other at a dinner. In fact, I think it’s good if we don’t sometimes. It helps us learn to be independent even when we’re doing something together, and it helps others see that while we’re a unit, we’re not one that’s conjoined. Even when doing things together we don’t have to be glued to one another’s sides.
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*(The above image by photostock is from freedigitalphotos.net).