After the welcoming reception of Lisa and Ryan’s first daughter Cassie, these again proud parents expected the arrival of their new daughter Maxine to be met with the same excitement and welcome as their first.
Many years prior to Cassie’s arrival Ryan’s father and step-mother (who herself was adopted), lost closeness with him due to circumstances around his parent’s divorce. There had been hard feelings as a result since. But their acceptance of Ryan and Lisa’s one year old daughter gave new hope for the uniting of the extended family. A couple years passed and things seemed to go well. Though miles separated all the families, Cassie was remembered and celebrated. Ryan’s nephew Alex naturally seemed to receive more of the attention and affection on his side of the family as he lived closer.
When Maxine came into Lisa, Ryan and Cassie’s life, it was an emotional time and the new proud parents of an infant needed their whole family more than ever. Though Lisa’s parents were thrilled as they had no grandchildren beyond these two precious girls, the excitement didn’t appear as evident with Ryan’s family. Maxine’s case was a risky one, but likely moving toward adoption. The agency placed Maxine with Lisa and Ryan due to the strong evidence the case would move to termination of parental rights. Lisa and Ryan, like other parents prior to adoption, were considered foster parents until the adoption was finalized. Perhaps Ryan’s side of the family didn’t understand how this quite worked and were guarding their hearts.
Lisa made effort to update both sides of the family as to the progression of Maxine’s case. She would receive some acknowledgement of Maxine from Ryan’s side when something was addressed to their family in the mail. However, when plans were made for Maxine’s first birthday, his side of the family was unable to participate. It was found that Ryan’s mother and siblings were actually going to be visiting his state that weekend to do some shopping. Ryan naturally assumed his mother (who had only seen his daughter once, and one of his siblings had never even met her) would want to visit and wish her a happy birthday. It never happened. They planned their time shopping instead, after coming all that way. Not as much as a first birthday card or a happy birthday call was even given for Maxine, while Ryan’s nephew Alex’s birthday had always been celebrated.
The favoritism didn’t just manifest there, Ryan’s mother put on her car a sticker that stated, “Happiness is being Alex’s Grandma”. When these things were brought up and said to sound exclusive of Lisa and Ryan’s children, it was blown off and Ryan was accused of overreacting. It was not removed.
Sadly it didn’t end there. Ryan’s father’s side never acknowledged her thereafter. Initially some attention was paid to Cassie prior to Maxine’s arrival, but even that stopped too while contact with the other grandchildren continued. Lisa and Ryan were not about to subject their girls to any favoritism. This meant cutting off Ryan’s father and step-mother. Once Maxine’s adoption was near, Ryan’s mother and siblings welcomed her and appeared to love her just as Cassie regardless of their genetic history. But I think these issues are all too common even among biological children. Though no one ever told Lisa or Ryan their girls were any less valuable than Alex or the other grandchildren on his father’s side, naturally this was the question in the back of their minds.
I can relate so much as an adoptive parent to the sensitivity and wondering if my children would be accepted or if favoritism would be played. I am protective of my children’s feelings. They didn’t ask to be adopted. I want them to feel included and have as normal of a life as possible. In our family it’s come down to what is in the best interest of the four of us. Take us all, or leave us all, we’re a family united.
Melissa is a Families.com Christian Blogger. Read her blogs at: http://members.families.com/mj7/blog