When our kids do something wrong, as they inevitably will, we should strive to guide them rather than criticize them. “To avoid being judgmental, psychologists do not use criticism to influence children. They use guidance. In criticism, parents attack children’s personality attributes and their character. In guidance, we state the problem and a possible solution. We say nothing to the child about himself or herself,” says Dr. Haim Ginott.
Remember when our kids were infants and toddlers and they spilled something? What did we do? We talked about the event- “Uh-uh, Tyler spilled his juice. Let’s get that cleaned up.” Somewhere down the line as our kids got older, we became less tolerant. Especially when they are doing things they should not be doing in the first place and then spill or break something.
I know I have started many sentences with, “How many times did I tell you not to…” Instead of being mad over spilled milk (or juice) we need to guide our kids to solve the problem at hand. If they spill something, it’s not the end of the world and we shouldn’t attack them or label them as being clumsy, hardheaded or whatever. We should simply state the problem-“Oops, your juice spilled.”- and then offer a solution- “Let’s get a towel and clean it up.”
By not making such a big deal, your kids are more likely to be more careful in the future. Dr. Ginott cautions that we have to learn to distinguish between minor irritations or mishaps and major catastrophes. And we need to let our kids know that if they spill juice, break something or loss something, it’s not the end of the world.
That’s not to say that if a child is playing ball inside and breaks a vase, he shouldn’t pay to have it replaced. However, we shouldn’t make him feel worse by criticizing him or making him feel that the object is more important than his feelings (or that we care more about the object than about the child).
Dr. Ginott also cautions that parental criticism is unhealthy and creates nothing more than anger and resentment. When we guide our children, we show them that we love and respect them at all times. No matter what they do.
See also:
Are Parents Important Life Lessons Sinking In?
Helping Kids Solve Their Problems