Older Child Adoption – Blessing or Nightmare? Adoption Families.com

When talking to people who have adopted older children, it seems that you almost always hear stories from two opposite ends of the spectrum. There are the families who say that their adoption of an older child is nothing but a nightmare, that it ruined their family and that their child will never function normally in a family setting. Then you talk to the those on the other side who say that their adoption of an older child has been a breeze. Everything went smoothly, they’ve had no problems, the child is a joy. Is it possible that both experiences really do exist? I certainly wondered while we were waiting to bring home our two older children.

I will be the first to tell you that every situation is different and there are no guarantees that any adoption (even an infant adoption) will go well. I also disagree with those who say that all adoptions turn out bad. I can tell you from personal experience and from observing hundreds of other adoptive families that most adoptions turn out well. There are a few where big issues come up and my heart goes out to those families. However, I don’t think that those bad experiences should scare anyone away from adopting since this is a small number of situations when you consider all of the adoptions that are completed each year. I’m so glad I didn’t let them frighten me. If I had, I wouldn’t have my children who are a genuine blessing to me each and every day.

Personally, my experience adopting older children (Laney came home at age 7 and Miles was almost 5) has been largely positive. My kids fit wonderfully into our family. I don’t know how we survived without them! It is as if they have always been here. Have there been challenges? Absolutely, and I will share some of those with you in the next weeks and months. For this blog I will tell you a little about Laney’s first few months with us. I’ll talk about Miles some other time.

Laney came home angry, scared and frustrated because she lacked language to communicate with us or to be told what was going on (as you may remember, Laney is deaf). She threw some pretty intense tantrums and had a lot of behavior issues we needed to deal with. There were a few times that I stood outside her room while she raged and threw shoes at the door and I began to despair. However, we were committed to this adoption and I knew that we would do anything we could to help Laney resolve the hurts she had experienced. I was determined to push on and that is what I did. The result? When Laney had been home about 3 months she really began to settle down. The tantrums diminished and the peace growing inside her was so evident you could see it shining through her eyes. She began to be loving and cuddly – openly seeking affection and attachment with us as her parents. Around 6 months home she finally began to realize that she really was going to get to stay here with us and again she showed a remarkable change in behavior and in her countenance. About that time is when she started telling everyone she saw “This is MY family! I stay here always.” What amazing words to hear from your child. I can’t tell you how much that has blessed my heart.

Was adopting Laney easy? No, not really. Is she an easy child now? In a lot of ways I have to say that no she isn’t, though she does continue to adjust and become easier to parent. However, I have to say that every challenge we have had with Laney is completely outweighed by the joy she has brought to our home. This child is funny, affectionate, curious and full of life. She is delighted by things that most kids raised in America would take for granted. She is a wonderful sister to her little brothers and take care of them. She is compassionate and genuinely cares about people who are hurt or sad.

What more can I ask for than a sweet, compassionate, loving child? Sure, she comes with a challenging past, but she is learning to overcome that and I am committed to help her. For me, the pros of older child adoption have far outweighed the cons. For me, older child adoption truly has been a blessing.