So much about being a parent of a new baby is about confidence. If it’s your first child, this confidence can take a while to develop. What is your parenting path? How do you best respond to the needs of your child? How do you negotiate the well-intentioned advice of everyone in sight?
When I had my daughter, my only plan was to respond to her needs. In our family, this led to nursing on demand and bed sharing. It also led to gentle discipline methods – that is, when I am disciplined enough myself to follow through on my intentions. I find that now that my daughter is a little older, I have a lot more confidence about my parenting decisions. Rather, I have a lot more confidence that whatever my failings in living up to my parenting goals, my daughter will likely ok.
That’s right. For me, becoming a more confident parent has had a lot to do with becoming ok with imperfection.
Being a parent involves a lot of self forgiveness. Gone are any hopes of being perfect. What’s that? Your baby thinks you’re perfect as you are, because you’re mom (or dad). Your two year old will think that you’re wonderful too, even as she’s screaming “no” in your ear. Your four-year-old? Well, when I was four, my mom made a critical remark about someone – “She thinks she’s perfect.” I quickly said to my mom, “Don’t worry mom, you’re not perfect.”
And that’s ok. It’s ok to mess up a lot of the time. We can make plans and have great intentions. We may follow through on some of these plans and intentions. We may try to practice them and fail miserably, because we are tired, sick, busy, and just plain grumpy ourselves. When we do follow through successfully, our children change, adding complexity to the mix once again.
So what’s a parent to do? Well, have the best of intentions. Think of ways to make those plans happen. Listen to the ideas, books, and parents around you, but add those to the mix – don’t let them sway you completely and instantly. You are the expert on your child, even if it doesn’t feel like that right now. Most of all, forgive yourself when things don’t work out as planned. Take a deep breath, go for a walk, take a hot shower, and eat some chocolate. The chocolate is mandatory. Then reframe, and know that you have a core of understanding about your child, and that you are working to develop a strong relationship with your child so that he will be a strong person. And your confidence will start to build.
How do you center yourself and find confidence in your parenting abilities?