A “lifebook” in the adoption community has similarities to a scrapbook, a baby book and a storybook. However, its main purpose is to provide the adopted child with a sense of continuity and a way to make sense of the past. Most adoptive parents have plenty of photos dating from their child’s arrival. But some adopted children have been known to believe that they were not born as other children are born, that they literally came from an airplane or an agency or sprang into existence as preschoolers. Others are old enough to realize they had a prior existence. While adoptive parents may feel that that prior existence is too painful to talk about, or they simply have little information about it, adopted children sometimes interpret this silence as meaning that everything about their prior life was bad—their heritage, their history, perhaps even their names. One child even told people, “This is the bad teddy bear [the one brought with him to his new home] and this is the good teddy bear [the one given him at his adoptive home].”
Many parents choose to write this lifebook in scrapbook form. Others may write it more as a story. The key factors in a lifebook are that it begins with the child’s birth, whatever is known of it. It acknowledges the existence of the birthparents and deals directly with why the children are available for adoption. Obviously this information is given in an age-appropriate form. The lifebook is for the child. In some cases it may be better to have some pages duplicated in a general scrapbook or photo album for showing to friends and relatives. If there is especially challenging information, some parents choose to make the book in a three-ring binder, keeping out some pages to be added when the child is older. The lifebook should include a description of all the homes where the child has lived.
What if information and/or photos are lacking? Postcards, maps and descriptive information of the country, state or city of birth can be included. A general description of circumstances causing birthparents from that country to choose adoption can be given. An adoption agency may be able to provide pictures of orphanages and caregivers. There may be medical or developmental records containing a reference to when some milestones were attained or what the child’s personality was as an infant. There may be records of how many other children lived in the foster home. The foster family may be able to provide additional information about what the child’s daily routine was at that time. There can be copies of updates from the adoption agency and a description of how the adoptive parents heard about the baby, the first picture they saw of the child, and how they prepared while they waited for the child. If photos are unavailable, some adoptive parents use drawings or artwork to stand in for the birthparents. (Adoption counselor Holly van Gulden, author of Real Parents, Real Children, advises against using magazine or other photos to stand in for birthparent photos, as the child may become fixated on believing that is the actual birthparent. If photos of the real parents are not available, they may be drawn based on a description, or artwork may be shown of a mother and child with similar coloring to the birthmother and child, etc).
Each of us has a unique story. The adopted child’s may contain difficulty, but is no less valid. Their prior experiences may have caused challenges, but are also a part of who they are that should not be denied. Don’t let concerns about artistic or writing skills stop you from making your child a lifebook. Seek assistance if necessary. Some adoption agencies may provide handouts or even workshops on making a lifebook. Children arriving from from foster care may have a lifebook they bring with them as part of the transition. The lifebook can provide a sense of continuity and validation that help the adoptee feel rooted in this world.
For more information see the following:
Lifebooks: Every Adopted Child Needs One
Adoption Transitions #3 Starting Your Child’s Lifebook
All About Me: From the Beginning
The Dos and Do Nots of Scrapbooking