When you are the parent of a toddler, you quickly realize that sometimes things that seem to make no sense actually do make sense upon further examination. That is how I felt when I recently learned about a new approach to addressing defiant toddler behavior. I’m a big fan of Dr. Laura Markham and her web site, Aha! Parenting. I enjoy reading the articles on the site, which advocates a gentle and peaceful style of parenting that I try very hard to emulate, albeit while gritting my teeth at times.
The other day I was reading some of the articles, and I came across a suggestion for dealing with defiant toddler behavior by playing “power games” in which the toddler is invited to do things that they would normally be asked not to do while the parent plays the role of helpless bystander. My first instinct was that it would not work well because Dylan does not seem to always be able to distinguish between “pretend” and “real”, so inviting him to misbehave as part of a game might backfire and lead to more misbehaving. I kept reading, though, because I wanted to learn how this approach works.
One type of power game is “chase”, where you invite your toddler to run around and then try to catch her. Of course, you do not actually catch her and you get to have a little fun and let your inner actor or actress come out to play as you continually “fail” in your efforts to catch her for a variety of reasons – you are too slow, you trip and fall, you get stuck in mud, whatever gets you both giggling. Another type of power game is using reverse psychology and asking your toddler to please NOT do what you want him to do. Again, the higher the drama the more fun you will both have. “Oh no, are you going to pick up those toys? Please, oh please don’t pick up those toys. I just don’t know what I would do if you picked up those toys. Oh no, you just picked up your toys.”
Power games give toddlers power and autonomy. They get to see what they can do (outrun you or do what they are asked not to) without having to misbehave in order to do it. I have played a couple of variations of the chase game, and Dylan really loves it. I think it may have contributed to a couple of calmer afternoons this week. At any rate, I am going to keep trying to see whether playing power games might diffuse some of the tension that we have been experiencing lately.