I remember when my son was a toddler and I was imprisoned by his tantrums. It was difficult, if not impossible, to go anywhere. On one occasion he screamed so loud and violently that I took him by the hand, abandoned our shopping cart, and went home in tears. I was so troubled by the stares and scowls of onlookers. And I remember the grief I felt initially when I learned my child would be different from other kids.
Well, I was reading a magazine article the other day and had a moment of enlightenment. (They don’t come often, so I’ll take them when I can.) The article recommended that we start adopting a certain word into our vocabulary with greater zeal. It’s a word that’s simple, empowering, even life-transforming, and it’s been available to us for a very long time. I think that parents of special needs children would benefit tremendously from saying it often, and meaning it.
The word is this: SO?
When we parent special kids, we’ve got to stop worrying about what other people think. It’s not fair to our children to stifle them, limit their experiences, or refuse to insist on the best treatments and strategies because we need to please the world. Yes, I think that “so” works very nicely, in a variety of ways.
“If I take my child to church, he might cause some disruptions and I’d have to take him to the lobby once or twice.”
“So?”
“If we go out to eat as a family, my child has eating difficulties that might bother other diners.”
“So?”
“If I say that my daughter isn’t making the progress I hoped, it might hurt her teacher’s feelings.”
“So?”
“If I take my son to a department store, he might scream, and everyone will stare at us.”
“So?”
“If I let my daughter go to that birthday party, she might do something embarrassing.”
“So?”
“If I tell the doctor I don’t think this treatment is working, he might think I’m questioning his professional judgment. He might be offended.”
“So?”
“My son or daughter is not going to look like other kids. He or she might not speak, learn, or function as well as they do. His or her life will be different from typical kids.”
“SO?”
Alright, I’m not suggesting that we be openly brazen and rude. And I realize it takes time to see that impressing or keeping up with the world just doesn’t matter. But raising our children, getting them the best medical help available, and letting them venture out into the world is not only our right, it’s our responsibility. Perhaps the difficulties our kids have will spill out into society a little. Perhaps some strangers might be inconvenienced. Perhaps some professionals might have to re-think their approach. Well, SO what? I think they can handle it.
And does it REALLY matter if your child lives a unique life, as long as it’s a happy and fulfilling one?
If you need a new mantra, try “So” on for size. It’s quick, handy, and very easy to pronounce.
Kristyn Crow is the author of this blog. Visit her website by clicking here. Some links on this blog may have been generated by outside sources are not necessarily endorsed by Kristyn Crow.
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Let It Be: Allowing My Autistic Son to Affect the World
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Lady, Get Control of Your Kid!