It seems that every day I learn or discover something new about myself. Being a single mother has helped me grow in ways I never imagined.
One huge thing I’ve learned is that fear is situational and what you are afraid of will change depending on where you are in your life.
For instance, I’ve always been afraid of spiders, now that I am a single mother, I am the person who has to deal with the spiders. I can’t scream and run into the other room waiting for someone to kill it, I have to kill it. I have to put on a brave face so my daughter is not afraid.
Same thing goes with those noises in the middle of the night. I have to get out of bed and see what it is. In order for Hailey to feel safe I have to be braver than I ever thought I could be, but if I’m not, there is no safety and security for my child. If she sees that I am afraid then that will reinforce her fear and feelings of helplessness.
When I was married I could be outwardly afraid of spiders, heights and things that go bump in the night. It’s different now, I’m still afraid, I just can’t show it.
I’m not as afraid of those things as I used to be, bigger and better fears come along to take their place. What if I lose my job? What if I get sick? What if I’m not doing a very good job at this solo parent thing?
Those are the things I worry about now. Spiders seem silly and inconsequential compared to major illness or financial problem. Worries about your parenting skills are always there, we want our children to be strong, intelligent and able to make the right choice, but when you are single all of that falls on your shoulders so you worry that you are not doing a good enough job.
I’m still afraid, but the fears are different now, and a lot scarier than before. I try not to let them consume me, sometimes you just have to let go and have faith that things will work out.
I’m still afraid of spiders and when I’m home alone, I still scream like a girl when I see one.