While I like to tease my kids about how they will be taking care of me in my old age just to watch them moan and roll their eyes, the truth is, our kids are not here to take care of us, pay us back or in any way make our parenting worthwhile. In fact, I believe that it is we who owe them…
I think it is a mistake and a set-up for guilt trips and power struggles if we parents are convinced that our children owe us or that they should somehow pay us back for the upbringing we have given them. While I hope that my children will WANT to stay connected with me and that we will always be a family who looks after and cares for each other, it is not good for my kids if I lay a trip on them about how I expect them to pay me back. Whether it is through what they decide to do with their lives or how they behave, it can be tempting for parents to expect our children to live their lives to pay us back in some way.
The thing is, if we put this pressure on our children, they will not only resent us, but they may also NOT reach their full potential if they feel overly responsible for making us happy. I believe that when I decided to have children all those years ago, I took responsibility for them—they do not owe me for giving birth to them or raising them or even feeding them. That is my responsibility and a choice that I made to be responsible for them—not the other way around. The days of raising children to work the farm or take care of us in our old age are gone (or this is not really part of our cultural expectation) so our goal as parents is to raise children who are independent and can stand on their own (and who are available and ready to take responsibility for their own families) not to raise children who will take care of us.