We speak of our children quite frequently as “ours.” This is perfectly natural. We conceived them, gave them birth, feed and clothe them, share their laugher and wipe away their tears. We are the first people they wake up to in the morning and the last people they see at night. Why shouldn’t our children be “ours?”
Of course we don’t see children as possessions. Thank G-d, very few parents think this way. But we are often concerned about how our children’s behavior reflects on us or affects our goals or plans for them. I had a son who went through quite a hitter. I felt quite mortified by this, and wasn’t yet accustomed to the idea that some toddlers just hit. I told a friend, “It is like a nightmare in which I lost control of my hand and it just keeps hitting people.” Clearly, I was seeing my son as an extension of myself, and I knew this wasn’t so accurate, but how could I help it? After all, I gave him birth and the teacher at the pre-school kept giving me shocking reports about “my son.”
A man who was a well-respected teacher once came to the Lubavitcher Rebbe for advice. He had been calm with his children up to a point. But as his family grew and finances became strained, he found himself losing his temper quite often. He was quite distraught about this and asked the Rebbe what he should do to stop yelling at his kids.
“Tell me,” began the Rebbe, “Would you scream at your neighbor’s children?” The main replied that he would certainly not. “What about Hashem’s child?” asked the Rebbe, “Because your children are really G-d’s children.”
Adam, the first man, was given the task of preserving and safeguarding creation. We carry on this task by safeguarding our bodies, our possessions and our children. Nothing in this world is truly “ours” but is entrusted to us by G-d. With this in mind, we can relieve the pressure of feeling children do not measure up to our ego’s standards, allow our children a sense of identity beyond merely our influence, and instill a sense of responsibility that our purpose is to watch over G-d’s children.