I am quite certain that I am not saying anything shocking here when I put forth the proposition that a huge percentage of a parent’s “work” is dedicated to family psychology—here we thought it was all going to be about love, nurturing, and a little discipline. In fact, I sometimes wonder if I am really a parent or if I am an amateur psychologist…
So much of living with and raising my three children has been about trying to figure out the “why” of what they are doing, and trying to help them find their way in the world. Motivation, emotions, personal history, and personality all come into play on a regular basis. Even the four of us sitting down to dinner can feel like a family therapy session! Of course, it is not always about the intense emotions—but it is often about trying to facilitate, guide and coordinate—taking everyone’s individual psyches into account.
How often as parents do we have to put ourselves in a “neutral” role—suspending our own value judgments and belief systems in order to try to figure out what is going on with our child? I think the day we realize that they are not clones or a miniature version of ourselves is the day we start on the path to becoming the family psychologist! After all, if we can just figure out where they are coming from, we might be able to a. solve the problem, b. change their behavior, c. get them to do what we want them to do! Of course, like any good psychologist, we soon realize that we really don’t have that much control and our role is really more about helping them find their way to being the best versions of themselves—a lot of work for someone who just wanted to have a cute little baby!
Also: Identifying Whose “Problem” it Is
I Am Not the Same Parent I Used to Be
Boundaries 101 for Older Children (And Their Parents)