I listened to a very inspirational lecture from Rabbi Manis Friedman about the necessity of having various influences in our lives. To be complete, a person needs a spouse, a mentor and parents. None of these roles can be filled by another person. For instance, a parent cannot double as a mentor, although we do need to guide and instruct our children when necessary. Children need influences outside of the parents, according to Rabbi Friedman, to feel truly secure (this is why the role of a teacher is so important and selecting the right school is so essential.)
A person must show his or her parents unconditional gratitude. The Torah does not command us to love our parents, but we are supposed to show them at least a minimum (and preferably we will choose the maximum) amount of love and care. To a spouse, one must be generous with one’s time and space. In fact, Rabbi Friedman says marriage uses every virtuous muscle we have in humility and generosity. Finally, with a mentor or teacher, we must be able to receive.
I remember in college, the brightest student was sometimes measured by how clever his questions were or how readily he could “stump” a professor. However, a mentor, or a personal advisor, should be accepted as an authority. Not that one cannot question what this mentor says, but that the advice should be thoroughly understood before it can be questioned.
When thinking of mentors and leaders, I was reflecting on the leadership crisis and how few people can be said to command our loyalty nowadays, at least in public life. Yesterday marked the day the Lubavitcher Rebbe accepted leadership of his Chassidim over 50 years ago, and it is the same date as the yarzheit of the Previous Rebbe. Much has been written about the leadership of Menachem Mendel Schneersohn, who was instrumental to reviving Jewish life after the Holocaust.
In times of turbulence and fear, it is especially important to identify true leaders and models, not only for our children, but also for us.